The Here and Now

The quarter-life crisis has struck again. I’ve watched it take away friends, relatives, myself and now it’s back. The funny part is only people who have been there can acknowledge this for exactly what it is. The sudden realization that life isn’t everything you thought it would be, that there are hardships and stepping stones. The idea that running away to another place and starting fresh will make it all better. Maybe there is something behind that theory? Maybe I’m still unsettled because I’m still trapped in the same situation? But there are some major changes on the horizon. Some that thrill me and others that petrify me.

For a long time I’ve beaten myself up about past mistakes, agonized about going back and doing things differently. The thing is you can’t go back. Life continues to move forward and, like the tide, will drag us along with it. I’m at a place right now where I have no idea what’s coming next. I’m just trying to find my way, and until I do everything is temporary. Not since acting school have I felt more in the moment. There is nowhere to go besides the here and now. The past is gone and the future is a mystery, but today…today is ok. But is ok all there is? What if today was it? If tomorrow never came would I be happy with who I am and what I’ve accomplished up until this point?

People have come in and out of my life, each one altering me in one way or another. I can’t even remember the person I was 5 years ago. What I was passionate about, what I was fearful of, what my wardrobe consisted of, the places I frequented and people I felt I couldn’t live without. So much has changed since then. Over the past year alone I feel I have forcibly become a completely different person. Maybe that’s it? Many of these changes may very well be for my own good, but because they were forced on me I find myself being more resentful of them than grateful for them. I’m a child of comfort. I enjoy the familiar, the customary. I realize that in order to move forward sometimes you have to step outside the box, and maybe when I couldn’t do that myself the universe stepped in and gave me a little push. They say you learn the most from the teachers that are harshest. That’s certainly been true in my case. I have always walked away feeling all the more secure from the teachers who refused to coddle me, from those who saw my potential and would not allow me to settle for anything less. Perhaps that is the struggle I am having with the universe now? Being the harsh mistress she can sometimes be she’s pushing me in a direction I most likely would not have arrived at on my own. It may very well be for the best, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. Then again, it doesn’t mean that she has to care. There is a greater plan. Things are going to happen the way they were meant to, and fighting the current will only cause us stress and conflict. Sometimes we need to let go and roll along. As I stand on this precipice I open my arms and let the wind blow through me. After all, what’s the worst that could happen?

Stranded

Wow, it's been a while...probably because I've been out there trying to get my life together. If you see Adrienne send her my way, because I just haven't been myself lately and it feels as though I keep making one wrong decision after another.
The question remains the same...what am I doing with my life? The answer of course is always a different story. I guess I want too many things. I'm sending mixed signals into the world and that's causing confusion. Maybe it's that I keep fighting the obvious answer and that's why I always feel so unsettled? But what is the obvious answer? To relocate? I guess you never know until you try. I could always come back if it doesn't work out. But there are certain elements of my life that I enjoy here and am afraid of losing. I'm also petrified that those things won't work out long term and I will have missed out on opportunities that I should have seized while I had them available to me.

It all keeps floating around in my head and it's driving me crazy. I am creative, not corporate, but sometimes I so desperately want to find a 9-5 job with a competitive salary and benefits; something steady and reliable so that I can start planning for the future. The future...talk about scary. I used to anticipate it, look forward to it, now suddenly it scares me to death. Maybe it's because I can no longer cruise by expecting other people to set up my future for me. It also isn't something I can wish for and keep my fingers crossed until it happens. It's something I need to work towards. When did that happen? Not sure, but I'm so scared to wake up alone one day stuck working a minimum wage job and still living with family. The thought of this just made me laugh a little, but the truth is it very well could happen. And sure, it might be a long way off, but if I don't start working on it from now it won't be long before I walk face first into that wall...and then what?

I know things happen at different times for different people, but I used to look out and see hundreds of boats on the horizon, each one coming to take me somewhere magical. Those hundreds dwindled down to 50 then 20 then 10 and now it seems I'm stranded on this island and I have no idea when the next boat is coming, or where it will take me. But I HAVE to get off this island because it's making me crazy! Maybe I should just start swimming and see what happens?

Fear

It seems this word is haunting me lately. For such a small word it certainly carries a very big meaning. I let this word dictate most of my life.

Could I have pursued acting more vigorously? Yes. Did I? No. Why? Fear.

Did I need to stay in a dead-end job for five years? No. Did I? Yes. Why? Fear.

Was it worth investing in a relationship where I came in second to pretty much everything else in his life? No. Did I? Yes. Why? Fear.

At the end of the day it all boils down to that little word. And really what am I afraid of? What’s the worst that can happen, failure? Well, isn’t coasting through life settling on everything from my job to my relationship failure? Why am I so afraid to do what is best for myself? I knew after two years at my last job that it was not what I wanted to do, but I let the fear of starting over keep me there well into my twenties. And what do I have to show for it? An extremely short resume and experience that will only further me within the restaurant industry.

I invested 110 percent in a relationship with someone who never cared to make an effort for me. And actually told me it worked while it was easy, but that I had become nothing but added stress in his life. And did I spend hours, days, weeks crying over this guy? Yes. Because even though I know deep down that he is not the one, the fear that I will never find the right person kept me chained to this guy’s side.

What is this notion we have that it’s better to have something than nothing? Where does that come from? FEAR! Am I alone right now? Yes. Do I feel completely lost? Yes. But was I not alone in my relationship? Was I not lost in my dead-end job? As scary as it is, at some point we have to stare fear down and embrace it for what it is. A motivational tool. Odds are if you fear something it’s because it’s good for you. Now granted, there are certain situations where this is not the case. I fear getting stung by bees because it could kill me. I am not going to run up to a hive after writing this and shake it in hopes that the result will be good for me. But we have to be able to acknowledge that fear is only as powerful as we allow it to be. And in certain situations facing that fear and pushing forward can end up being extremely rewarding and ultimately leading us to things that are even better for us.

I sit here in fear as I type this. It seems everything is happening at once and I have no control over any of it. But after the storm comes the calm, and maybe this fear is here to push me to finally take charge and start pursuing all those things I have put off for so long? Sure, maybe it’s just wishful thinking. But I need to believe that this is all coming up at this time for a reason.

They say the first step to recovery is acknowledging the problem. I have acknowledged the fear. I have called it by it’s name. I am facing it head on so that it knows it can no longer control me. And while I may not walk away from this battle unscathed, it is a battle worth fighting, and that realization alone is half the battle won.

Is this how relationships end?

Right, so I recently wrote this email to the guy who is now my ex-boyfriend and upon reading it to my cousin was informed that it should be my next blog entry. Of course in hopes of salvaging the relationship I deleted the email.

The truth is you have to go with your gut, but what if your gut is pulling you in two different directions? As I sat there deciding whether or not to send the text that would ultimately lead to the end of my relationship I couldn't help but feel as though I was being pulled in two directions.

Part of me had had it. I wanted more and wasn't going to continue to deny myself in hopes that he would eventually come around. The other part understood that the added stress of a break up was not something I needed in my life at this moment. Plus, relationships are complicated. Perhaps we could have talked things out instead of calling it quits?

Several years ago there were a couple of books published about exactly what I'm going through right now. The first was called "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell about acting on your first instinct. The second was called "Think" by Michael R. LeGault which strongly contradicted all the theories mentioned in "Blink."

For the most part I have always been a "Think" kind of girl. When an idea crosses my mind I usually like to sit back and weigh all the options. Of course in doing so I usually end up second guessing myself and ultimately making the wrong decision. Recently, however, I've been more of a "Blink" girl and that hasn't done me any good either. It seems all the impulsive decisions I've made have caused me nothing but stress and doubt. Did I give it enough time? What if I had waited a little longer?

The real cause for this break up was time. A lack of time and mismanagement of the time available. I guess it's weighing on me now because I've never broken up with a person because I wanted to spend more time with them. Does that make any sense? I mean, I've heard of relationships ending because the two people just aren't compatible, or one cheated on the other, or they fell out of love, but to break up with someone you enjoy being around so much you simply want to spend as much time with them as possible...I just can't wrap my brain around it.

I suppose in the end everything happens for a reason, and perhaps someday it will all become clear to me. In the meantime, however, I need to figure out a new way of making decisions, because neither the “Think” nor "Blink" methods have worked for me.

WARNING: PLEASE READ BEFORE APPLYING TO WORK IN A RESTAURANT!!!

Hear me now, hear me clear, the restaurant industry is no joke and should not be taken lightly. For some of you young hopefuls out there you may simply see it as a temporary thing while in pursuit of something else, but, in fact, it’s like the mafia, and just when you think you’re out, they pull you back in. So, before going down that road think long and hard about whether or not this is something you can see yourself doing for years to come, because once you’re in it’s extremely hard to break out.

I’m in a position right now where I’m feeling done with the restaurant industry. Of course having worked at my last job for the past 5 years has done nothing for my resume. Never mind my loyalty and commitment to the company. Never mind that I started as a host and worked my way up to event manager. Never mind that working in restaurants isn’t all about standing there and looking pretty. Maybe that’s the problem? Maybe too many people have misconceptions about what it really takes to work in a restaurant? If one more person tells me that I don’t have any office experience I’m going to scream. Are you freaking kidding me?! Drawing up contracts, creating menu templates, responding to emails, faxing forms, answering multiple phone lines, ordering office supplies and maintaining a website doesn’t count as OFFICE EXPERIENCE? It’s not all about greeting and seating you know.

And let’s say that my job did simply consist of greeting and seating. Do you know how hard that is? I mean, sure we’re not saving lives, but to plot out multiple seatings while taking into consideration personal requests and special occasions, and then having to stand there and smile as some of the nastiest, rudest, cheapest “foodies” come and go with absolutely no appreciation for you or the effort it took to keep their evening running smoothly can be truly draining. It takes a great amount of self control and inner peace to smile and remain graceful when you have people demanding things from you left and right and there’s really nothing else you can do but stand there and take it. I realize that many of us experience this in our jobs, but then does that not qualify me for work outside the restaurant industry? At the end of the day aren’t all jobs about being polite and professional? So what difference does it make if I’m putting my best foot forward in a restaurant or elsewhere?

Not sure what I want, but I know what I don't...

I now completely understand how people have nervous breakdowns. In fact, I’m pretty sure most of them started off exactly where I am now. Let’s get brutally honest for a moment, shall we?

Back in 2005 I entered into the world of bartending in hopes of supporting myself with an evening job so that I would have time to audition during the day. That’s what actors do, right? Right, so I pound the pavement in search of a job and find that most places aren’t really interested in hiring someone with no New York City bartending experience. What are my options at this point? Well, maybe I can find work in Westchester and commute…? Sure, so I guest bartend at a string of places hoping that one will lead to a permanent job. Next thing I know I’m shooting a film with a friend of mine from school and she mentions that her restaurant is hiring, so I apply. Turns out all they had to offer was a hosting gig a couple days a week. Not exactly what I was planning on, but it would get my foot in the door of a NYC establishment, and then maybe I could parlay that into something more lucrative. Whatever the outcome, this was only a temporary fix. Cut to me 5 years later still working in the same place. The hours weren’t bad. I had worked my way up from host to office manager to event coordinator. I knew everything there was to know about the place, and as far as restaurant jobs go, it was kind of the cat’s meow. Don’t get me wrong, there were moments when I rebelled against and absolutely hated it. But that was just the creative me aching to bust out.

It wasn’t until this restaurant recently closed, forcing me back out into the cold cruel world, that I started to question if I was even meant to be in restaurants at all? I mean, is this my passion? Is it truly anyone’s’? I did a stint at this other restaurant job (we won’t mention any names to protect the innocent) where I found out it actually is a lot of peoples’ passion. It’s not just about paying the bills while you pursue something else, but actually about the love and interest in food and wine. Who knew? Seeing this made me realize I had been barking up the wrong tree all along. I was never in this industry for any of those reasons. To me restaurants were simply the means to an end. And who wants to spend 12 hours working in a place that does nothing to further you as a human being? Not to mention causes your eye to twitch and stomach to rumble whenever you even think of it? NOT ME! Life is too short and I’ve wasted far too much time already.

So here I am. Out here on my own, and I have no idea what to do now. Ideally I’d like to find work in something I’m passionate about and for which I have talent. I realize this might strike the wrong chord with some people. I’ve already been told by certain people (again we won’t mention names) that to think ideally is stupid and that I need to be more realistic. But where has being realistic gotten me? I should point out that all these people who keep telling me to be realistic are all working in a field they enjoy. I was realistic for 5 years. I worked hard and often sacrificed my own happiness for the sake of a job. Because that’s what we’re talking about here, folks, a job, not a career. And it’s not that I’m asking for pity. I know there are a lot of people out there struggling with the same issues and worse. For the most part I live a decent life, and I’m grateful for that, but is there something wrong with wanting the best for myself? It’s not that I don’t want to invest the time and energy, but I’d like to have something to show for it in the long run.

My cousin says the universe can’t push me forward until I choose a direction. Only problem is what do I do while I’m sorting out that direction? I don’t want to get sucked in to another dead-end job for the next 5 years. And yes, some would say that I’m thinking too far ahead, but isn’t one of the first questions they ask on a job interview, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” I would like the answer to be closer to my destiny. What’s so wrong with that?

Saturn's Return

Right, so here I was finally settling in and getting comfortable when along comes Saturn’s return to pull the rug out from under me. Not that it’s necessarily a bad thing. I realize the universe has a way of putting you on the right path, but a little warning would have been nice. Then again, maybe I was so caught up in the comfort and consistency of it all that I ignored the warning signs. Either way, it is what it is, there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is move forward and stay open to all the new and fabulous opportunities that are sure to come my way now that I’ve made some room for them.

Let’s go back a bit for those of you who are lost right now. My job of 5 years recently ended. On Friday, actually. The whole thing came as quite a shock. It’s kind of like being on a canceled sitcom that never got to tape a final episode. On Friday while some guy I’ve never seen before spoke to us about “landing on our feet” I looked around the room at the faces of all the people who have been like a second family to me for the past 5 years and slowly went into shock. Then suddenly the words I had heard only one week before started to flood my mind. While on a trip to PA last Saturday I engaged in a conversation with a woman who after discovering my age proceeded to explain the occurrence of Saturn’s return to me. After a thorough explanation she admitted that for the most part she was talking out of her ass, but encouraged me to look it up, and so I did. For those of you that don’t know, Saturn’s return is an astrological phenomenon which occurs at 27-29 and sometimes even 30 year intervals. It is believed that as Saturn returns to the degree in its orbit occupied at the time of birth, a person crosses over a major threshold and enters the next stage of life. Each return will cause people to reevaluate and often leads to major life changes. It is not uncommon for relationships and/or jobs to end during this time. Sounds kind of shitty, right? That’s what I thought at first, but apparently it’s not all about painful endings. Supposedly during this time people also tend to gain a better vision of what they want from and where they’re going in life. I’m looking forward to that.

I feel like I’ve been on this journey for the last couple of years wondering where I’m going and what’s expected of me. But what if there are no expectations? What is it that I want from life? The problem wasn’t that I didn’t know the answer to that question; it was that I didn’t have the time to figure it out. But now by taking away, the universe has also given. The river has gone from lazy to rapid and there’s nothing I can do but let go and allow it to carry me in its current to where I’m meant to be.