Not sure what I want, but I know what I don't...

I now completely understand how people have nervous breakdowns. In fact, I’m pretty sure most of them started off exactly where I am now. Let’s get brutally honest for a moment, shall we?

Back in 2005 I entered into the world of bartending in hopes of supporting myself with an evening job so that I would have time to audition during the day. That’s what actors do, right? Right, so I pound the pavement in search of a job and find that most places aren’t really interested in hiring someone with no New York City bartending experience. What are my options at this point? Well, maybe I can find work in Westchester and commute…? Sure, so I guest bartend at a string of places hoping that one will lead to a permanent job. Next thing I know I’m shooting a film with a friend of mine from school and she mentions that her restaurant is hiring, so I apply. Turns out all they had to offer was a hosting gig a couple days a week. Not exactly what I was planning on, but it would get my foot in the door of a NYC establishment, and then maybe I could parlay that into something more lucrative. Whatever the outcome, this was only a temporary fix. Cut to me 5 years later still working in the same place. The hours weren’t bad. I had worked my way up from host to office manager to event coordinator. I knew everything there was to know about the place, and as far as restaurant jobs go, it was kind of the cat’s meow. Don’t get me wrong, there were moments when I rebelled against and absolutely hated it. But that was just the creative me aching to bust out.

It wasn’t until this restaurant recently closed, forcing me back out into the cold cruel world, that I started to question if I was even meant to be in restaurants at all? I mean, is this my passion? Is it truly anyone’s’? I did a stint at this other restaurant job (we won’t mention any names to protect the innocent) where I found out it actually is a lot of peoples’ passion. It’s not just about paying the bills while you pursue something else, but actually about the love and interest in food and wine. Who knew? Seeing this made me realize I had been barking up the wrong tree all along. I was never in this industry for any of those reasons. To me restaurants were simply the means to an end. And who wants to spend 12 hours working in a place that does nothing to further you as a human being? Not to mention causes your eye to twitch and stomach to rumble whenever you even think of it? NOT ME! Life is too short and I’ve wasted far too much time already.

So here I am. Out here on my own, and I have no idea what to do now. Ideally I’d like to find work in something I’m passionate about and for which I have talent. I realize this might strike the wrong chord with some people. I’ve already been told by certain people (again we won’t mention names) that to think ideally is stupid and that I need to be more realistic. But where has being realistic gotten me? I should point out that all these people who keep telling me to be realistic are all working in a field they enjoy. I was realistic for 5 years. I worked hard and often sacrificed my own happiness for the sake of a job. Because that’s what we’re talking about here, folks, a job, not a career. And it’s not that I’m asking for pity. I know there are a lot of people out there struggling with the same issues and worse. For the most part I live a decent life, and I’m grateful for that, but is there something wrong with wanting the best for myself? It’s not that I don’t want to invest the time and energy, but I’d like to have something to show for it in the long run.

My cousin says the universe can’t push me forward until I choose a direction. Only problem is what do I do while I’m sorting out that direction? I don’t want to get sucked in to another dead-end job for the next 5 years. And yes, some would say that I’m thinking too far ahead, but isn’t one of the first questions they ask on a job interview, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” I would like the answer to be closer to my destiny. What’s so wrong with that?