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Saturday, June 16, 2012
Surrendering
What I’m about to reference in this post may go over many of your heads. I apologize, but I will try to tie it all together so that we are all on the same page by the time I’m done. Ready?
There’s a show on TV (Lifetime, actually. I know I just lost half of you, but try to stay with me, please?) called Drop Dead Diva. The plot is that an aspiring model, Deb, and an overweight lawyer, Jane, die on the same day and somehow Deb’s spirit reincarnates in Jane’s body. Along with a new body Deb ends up with a new job, lifestyle and guardian angel, Fred. While physically she is Jane, mentally (besides the knowledge she retains in order to carry on life as Jane, such as knowledge of the legal system and such) she is still Deb.
Before dying Deb was engaged to Greyson, a fellow lawyer at Jane’s firm. I know, complicated and cheesy at the same time. Anyway, over the course of the last few seasons Deb (as Jane) has been trying to pick up where she left off with Greyson. However, on the advice of her guardian angel, she is unable to tell him who she really is. Basically she was given a second chance, but her new life has to be completely new. If Greyson falls in love with Jane of his own accord, that’s fine…free will. However, Deb is not allowed to use her knowledge of the past to manipulate the future. She simply has to surrender and let life run its course.
The word surrender seems to keep coming up wherever I turn. In the long run what else can we really do, right? Some people believe we can manifest destiny. Can we? Or is the destiny we manifest simply what was meant to happen all along? Because I know there are certain things I have tried time and time again to manifest unsuccessfully. Is there something wrong with my technique, or were those things not meant to be part of my life?
I used to believe that things happen for a reason, but after several instances that seem to have served no purpose I’m starting to think maybe I was wrong. Some might think Deb ungrateful for continuing to long for the past when she was handed a fresh start no questions asked. But then why allow her to keep her memory? Isn’t it torturing her to remember who she used to be and what she used to have only to be forced to walk away from it all? I know, I’m referencing a fictional situation right now, but to be honest, my life seems to have gone the exact same way over the course of the past year. The person I once was is gone, quite instantly and without explanation. All of her. The person I’ve become, no matter how hard I try can never be the same, but I remember who and how I once was and can’t deny that she’s missed.
I guess the only thing I can do is continue to climb the mountain and hope that what waits on the other side is worth it. Since there is no way to know for sure, I suppose I will simply have to put my manos al aire (hands in the air) and surrender.
Friday, November 18, 2011
The Blind Side
I've been sitting on this one for a bit, but after chatting with my friend Julia Baldwin and realizing how many other people out there are going through the exact same thing, I thought I would share my story in an attempt to bring some laughter and acknowledgement to what I've come to call "the blind side of 25." As those of you who know me and/or read my blog are aware I recently exited a relationship. I use that term loosely as I was recently informed that we were simply "hanging out" for 9 months and it wasn't that serious. Anyway, early on in the...situation lots of red flags started to pop up. The main one being that he was two years younger than me and about to enter in to his very own quarter-life crisis. Of course he didn't know it at the time, but having been to hell and back I was more than aware and should have walked away immediately, but that little voice got the better of me. The next red flag was that he still lives with his mother. At the time I had recently moved back in with my mother, so I was willing to let that slide. What I later found out was that he lives in a one bedroom apartment with his mom where he sleeps in the bedroom and she sleeps on the couch. That flag wasn’t just red, it was on fire!! Of course I did not acquire this information until after we had been dating a while and a connection had been made. In fact, I acquired this information on the way back to his house one night. We had gone out for a co-worker’s going away party and I had lost track of time. It wasn’t until the bouncer came over to kick us out that I realized the last train home had left hours before. I was stranded. After realizing that I would have to wait for over an hour and a half for the next train my fine gentleman was kind enough to invite me to his place. En route he tells me the inner workings of his lifestyle and explains that when we arrive I will…now get ready cause this is BRILLIANT…I will need to jump on his back and pretend to be a backpack so his mother won’t know he’s brought home a girl. Huh? Look, I went to acting school; I know how to get into character, but an inanimate object? He didn’t think his mom could tell the difference between a woman and a backpack!!? What was I thinking? But I stayed with him. I stayed with him well past our expiration date because maybe he wasn’t the best guy, but there is so much worse out there, so why not take what I could get, right? And that, my friends, is the blind side. In your early twenties you can sort of take it or leave it. You know there is plenty more to come and so there is no real rush to settle down. Later on in your thirties you’ve experienced a little more and know what you will and will not settle for. Then there is that tiny gap between the ages of I’d say 25-30, maybe even 32 in some cases where you happily turn a blind eye to all the red flags because this is the one, it HAS to be! All my friends are either married or engaged, some have children…I’m way behind schedule. And it’s not like we can just get married after a few dates, after all, I’m no Kardashian. Relationships take time and investment and at this point in your life it’s really hard to rest assured in the fact that the right person will come along. The more time that passes the more desperate we get, and that’s when we go blind. But we shouldn't allow this blindness to cause us to settle. I'm done with that, and people, this is your wake up call...open your eyes and pay attention! It's about LOVE. Love of self. Putting yourself first and protecting yourself from people who are only looking to waste your time and energy. It is a tough lesson to learn, I struggle with it all the time, but as Ru Paul says, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?"
I actually considered pretending to be a backpack for some guy who later after introducing me to his entire family and telling me he loved me turned around and told me he didn't want me anymore. That he hadn't for a while and he was sorry he hadn't told me sooner. But the truth is, he had told me sooner. He told me by not calling, by taking hours, sometimes days to return my messages. By refusing to acknowledge or support anything that made me happy. These are all signs that many of us make excuses for, or choose to overlook. We downplay how hurtful it is to be in a "relationship" with someone we know doesn't prioritize us or care about us as much as we do them, because we'd rather subject ourselves to a punishment we know we can handle than the punishment of being alone. But we are alone. If you are with someone who sees you as more of a convenience than a blessing, someone who makes you feel ordinary and easily replaceable, then you're with the wrong person. Take the blinders off and walk in a new direction. You'll find love, even if it's the love of self, because no one is worth the loss of self.
I wish you all love, laughter and 20/20 vision when it comes to matters of the heart.
I actually considered pretending to be a backpack for some guy who later after introducing me to his entire family and telling me he loved me turned around and told me he didn't want me anymore. That he hadn't for a while and he was sorry he hadn't told me sooner. But the truth is, he had told me sooner. He told me by not calling, by taking hours, sometimes days to return my messages. By refusing to acknowledge or support anything that made me happy. These are all signs that many of us make excuses for, or choose to overlook. We downplay how hurtful it is to be in a "relationship" with someone we know doesn't prioritize us or care about us as much as we do them, because we'd rather subject ourselves to a punishment we know we can handle than the punishment of being alone. But we are alone. If you are with someone who sees you as more of a convenience than a blessing, someone who makes you feel ordinary and easily replaceable, then you're with the wrong person. Take the blinders off and walk in a new direction. You'll find love, even if it's the love of self, because no one is worth the loss of self.
I wish you all love, laughter and 20/20 vision when it comes to matters of the heart.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Purpose
Something is in the works for me right now. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I feel a good energy about it. I use to feel as though I had this light about me; this light that brightened me from within and drew people to me. Over the course of the past few years that light had diminished, or at least it felt as though it had. I could no longer walk into a room and stand apart from the crowd. I was just another one of the millions, nothing special about it.
I share this with you because I feel at one point or another we all feel we are special, that we have a specific purpose and will be called to greatness one day. As we continue to age the realities of life begin to set in and some of us fall victim to the monotony of everyday living. For some the ability to fall into a routine is a blessing. There’s something peaceful about it. For others it begins to wear us down. Where am I going? What am I doing? We stop feeling special, stop feeling as though we’re called to serve a specific purpose, and start feeling lost and disillusioned. Maybe there truly isn’t anything special about me at all? Maybe I was just kidding myself? Maybe I’m just like everyone else? After all, we can’t all be special. If we were wouldn’t that somehow diminish the quality of what it means to be special in the first place?
I’ve been digging my way out of this tunnel for a while now. There have been moments where I’ve given up; moments where it felt as though all my efforts were in vain, and not worth it. But recently I’ve come to see a light at the end of this tunnel. Recently I have started to feel like there is a greater power working in my favor. Some of the choices I have made along the way have not been for the best. I’ve known this for a long time, but refused to accept it. I hate feeling like a failure, so I hold on to things sometimes well past what’s appropriate because I feel like the more I give and the longer I hang on the more clear my desire will become to the universe and there will be nothing left to do but give in and let me have it. But sometimes in life certain things are not meant to be, and no matter how much we want them, or how tightly we hold on to them, they will be taken away from us for the greater good. Of course it’s hard to see the greater good sometimes, especially when you want something so desperately, and especially when there is nothing to immediately fill the void that not having it leaves.
I recently suffered a loss. Actually, it feels as though I’ve been suffering this loss over and over for the past 6 months. You know that saying about history repeating itself? So true! History is constantly repeating itself, and if you don’t learn the first time around, you will be doomed to continue repeating the same vicious cycle over and over again until someone or something else intervenes and says enough. I’m stubborn. Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 punches to the face before I realize that moving out of the way would probably be a lot smarter. That’s how this recent situation went. For months I beat myself up, “If I had only…if I had only…if I had only…” But ultimately that’s not what was meant to be. I’ve known it for quite some time, and am finally coming to terms with it. There is a greater plan for me, one that includes happiness and success. I was trapped in the tunnel, surrounded by darkness. I had given up hope and allowed myself to settle for less than what I knew I deserved out of fear that I would never again reach that light that would allow me to shine as brightly as I once had. But there is something special about me. I am called to greatness. The life I was living was not enough, and the universe refused to allow me to settle for less.
We all go through dark moments. We all feel lackluster from time to time. But at the end of the day we each have something to offer, and yes some people’s offerings may be better than others, but it’s the way we offer it that sets us apart from one another.
I know that I have greatness within me. I know I have a purpose. I’m still on the path to figuring out exactly what that is, but I know when I finally come to realize it this will all have been worth it.
I share this with you because I feel at one point or another we all feel we are special, that we have a specific purpose and will be called to greatness one day. As we continue to age the realities of life begin to set in and some of us fall victim to the monotony of everyday living. For some the ability to fall into a routine is a blessing. There’s something peaceful about it. For others it begins to wear us down. Where am I going? What am I doing? We stop feeling special, stop feeling as though we’re called to serve a specific purpose, and start feeling lost and disillusioned. Maybe there truly isn’t anything special about me at all? Maybe I was just kidding myself? Maybe I’m just like everyone else? After all, we can’t all be special. If we were wouldn’t that somehow diminish the quality of what it means to be special in the first place?
I’ve been digging my way out of this tunnel for a while now. There have been moments where I’ve given up; moments where it felt as though all my efforts were in vain, and not worth it. But recently I’ve come to see a light at the end of this tunnel. Recently I have started to feel like there is a greater power working in my favor. Some of the choices I have made along the way have not been for the best. I’ve known this for a long time, but refused to accept it. I hate feeling like a failure, so I hold on to things sometimes well past what’s appropriate because I feel like the more I give and the longer I hang on the more clear my desire will become to the universe and there will be nothing left to do but give in and let me have it. But sometimes in life certain things are not meant to be, and no matter how much we want them, or how tightly we hold on to them, they will be taken away from us for the greater good. Of course it’s hard to see the greater good sometimes, especially when you want something so desperately, and especially when there is nothing to immediately fill the void that not having it leaves.
I recently suffered a loss. Actually, it feels as though I’ve been suffering this loss over and over for the past 6 months. You know that saying about history repeating itself? So true! History is constantly repeating itself, and if you don’t learn the first time around, you will be doomed to continue repeating the same vicious cycle over and over again until someone or something else intervenes and says enough. I’m stubborn. Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 punches to the face before I realize that moving out of the way would probably be a lot smarter. That’s how this recent situation went. For months I beat myself up, “If I had only…if I had only…if I had only…” But ultimately that’s not what was meant to be. I’ve known it for quite some time, and am finally coming to terms with it. There is a greater plan for me, one that includes happiness and success. I was trapped in the tunnel, surrounded by darkness. I had given up hope and allowed myself to settle for less than what I knew I deserved out of fear that I would never again reach that light that would allow me to shine as brightly as I once had. But there is something special about me. I am called to greatness. The life I was living was not enough, and the universe refused to allow me to settle for less.
We all go through dark moments. We all feel lackluster from time to time. But at the end of the day we each have something to offer, and yes some people’s offerings may be better than others, but it’s the way we offer it that sets us apart from one another.
I know that I have greatness within me. I know I have a purpose. I’m still on the path to figuring out exactly what that is, but I know when I finally come to realize it this will all have been worth it.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
The Voice
I've heard it said that when you know, you know. That may very well be true for most people, but lately not so much for me. I don't know what's been going on with my inner compass, but this past year seems to have been a series of mistakes and misfortunes. So much so that I fear I may never be able to make another decision.
After losing my job I set out in search of new employment. Sheesh, was that an ordeal! First place was too chaotic, next place was too regimented. I finally found one that seemed to be just right, but ignored that little voice in my head and ended up somewhere that made me cry on my way there every day. After making one bad decision after another, I decided I had made my bed and there was nothing left to do but lie in it.
We don't get an endless amount of chances in life, but sometimes, just when we think we're doomed, that very last chance comes around and says grab hold, you moron! Now see, this part is tricky because depending on where you are in your journey you might not recognize this as your last chance. Luckily for me it had been 6 months of confusion and misery, so I put superglue on my palms and grabbed hold of that last chance with whatever I had left in me. I have since found myself in a place that seems to be a closer fit to the way I work. But six months of bad decisions is a long time and it's left me unable to trust myself.
You know that saying, "I am my own worst enemy"? YEAH, big time!! Because I'm pretty sure the little voice in my head has been right all along. I am the one who analyzes and over analyzes until I've completely talked myself out of what my initial instinct said and into the most miserable complicated experience there is.
We are supposed to get wiser as we age, right? I guess with the way I'm going I will actually start listening to that voice when I'm in my forties.
But what if that voice is wrong? Back at the beginning of the year completely out of the blue I started dating this guy. He came on strong at first, but it was kind of sweet to see how excited and enthusiastic he was about things. Talk about a honeymoon phase. He was all about me, talking about wanting to introduce me to his family, and how I should feel special because he'd never brought a girl home before. I thought for sure this guy was it. Everything in my being told me so. For so long I'd gone back and forth between the good looking guys that were jerks and the nice guys I didn't find attractive. Then out of nowhere this kid falls into my lap, and he seems to be the whole package. No matter how hard I tried to take it slow I couldn't. Neither of us seemed to want to. It was like we had both been searching for the same thing and found it in each other. I thought for sure we were on our way, so you can imagine my surprise when my good friend Linda (the pyschic) gave me a reading and told me he was not the one. My heart sank. How could this be possible? We were so totally meant to be. The universe created, gift wrapped and delivered him to me, of course he was the one! But another popular saying that comes into play during this story is the one about "if it seems too good to be true it probably is." I was so caught up in thinking this guy was the one I neglected all of the warning signs. The biggest one being that he's 2 years younger than me. Now granted, I know women who have dated and even married younger men, but there was something special about this kid. When we met I was about to turn 27 which would make him 24 going on...that magic number! I should have known it was only a matter of time before he woke up one morning wondering what he was doing with his life. So now here we are, the crisis has struck again! I'm digging my way out and he's just fallen in. And what option has he gone with? Moving away and starting fresh. Amazing!
Well listen, I wish him the best, I really do. I wish I could sort myself out as quickly as he did. But instead I'm left here with that little voice that led me astray. That voice that talked me into ignoring all the signs because this was the one. That voice that seductively whispered in my ear and had visions of sugarplums dancing in my head, and the next thing I know I'm having the rug pulled out from under me. I realize it’s bad to take candy from a stranger, but shouldn’t you at least be able to trust something that’s a part of you? I feel hoodwinked…bamboozled and it ain’t good, not at all!
After losing my job I set out in search of new employment. Sheesh, was that an ordeal! First place was too chaotic, next place was too regimented. I finally found one that seemed to be just right, but ignored that little voice in my head and ended up somewhere that made me cry on my way there every day. After making one bad decision after another, I decided I had made my bed and there was nothing left to do but lie in it.
We don't get an endless amount of chances in life, but sometimes, just when we think we're doomed, that very last chance comes around and says grab hold, you moron! Now see, this part is tricky because depending on where you are in your journey you might not recognize this as your last chance. Luckily for me it had been 6 months of confusion and misery, so I put superglue on my palms and grabbed hold of that last chance with whatever I had left in me. I have since found myself in a place that seems to be a closer fit to the way I work. But six months of bad decisions is a long time and it's left me unable to trust myself.
You know that saying, "I am my own worst enemy"? YEAH, big time!! Because I'm pretty sure the little voice in my head has been right all along. I am the one who analyzes and over analyzes until I've completely talked myself out of what my initial instinct said and into the most miserable complicated experience there is.
We are supposed to get wiser as we age, right? I guess with the way I'm going I will actually start listening to that voice when I'm in my forties.
But what if that voice is wrong? Back at the beginning of the year completely out of the blue I started dating this guy. He came on strong at first, but it was kind of sweet to see how excited and enthusiastic he was about things. Talk about a honeymoon phase. He was all about me, talking about wanting to introduce me to his family, and how I should feel special because he'd never brought a girl home before. I thought for sure this guy was it. Everything in my being told me so. For so long I'd gone back and forth between the good looking guys that were jerks and the nice guys I didn't find attractive. Then out of nowhere this kid falls into my lap, and he seems to be the whole package. No matter how hard I tried to take it slow I couldn't. Neither of us seemed to want to. It was like we had both been searching for the same thing and found it in each other. I thought for sure we were on our way, so you can imagine my surprise when my good friend Linda (the pyschic) gave me a reading and told me he was not the one. My heart sank. How could this be possible? We were so totally meant to be. The universe created, gift wrapped and delivered him to me, of course he was the one! But another popular saying that comes into play during this story is the one about "if it seems too good to be true it probably is." I was so caught up in thinking this guy was the one I neglected all of the warning signs. The biggest one being that he's 2 years younger than me. Now granted, I know women who have dated and even married younger men, but there was something special about this kid. When we met I was about to turn 27 which would make him 24 going on...that magic number! I should have known it was only a matter of time before he woke up one morning wondering what he was doing with his life. So now here we are, the crisis has struck again! I'm digging my way out and he's just fallen in. And what option has he gone with? Moving away and starting fresh. Amazing!
Well listen, I wish him the best, I really do. I wish I could sort myself out as quickly as he did. But instead I'm left here with that little voice that led me astray. That voice that talked me into ignoring all the signs because this was the one. That voice that seductively whispered in my ear and had visions of sugarplums dancing in my head, and the next thing I know I'm having the rug pulled out from under me. I realize it’s bad to take candy from a stranger, but shouldn’t you at least be able to trust something that’s a part of you? I feel hoodwinked…bamboozled and it ain’t good, not at all!
Monday, September 12, 2011
The Here and Now
The quarter-life crisis has struck again. I’ve watched it take away friends, relatives, myself and now it’s back. The funny part is only people who have been there can acknowledge this for exactly what it is. The sudden realization that life isn’t everything you thought it would be, that there are hardships and stepping stones. The idea that running away to another place and starting fresh will make it all better. Maybe there is something behind that theory? Maybe I’m still unsettled because I’m still trapped in the same situation? But there are some major changes on the horizon. Some that thrill me and others that petrify me.
For a long time I’ve beaten myself up about past mistakes, agonized about going back and doing things differently. The thing is you can’t go back. Life continues to move forward and, like the tide, will drag us along with it. I’m at a place right now where I have no idea what’s coming next. I’m just trying to find my way, and until I do everything is temporary. Not since acting school have I felt more in the moment. There is nowhere to go besides the here and now. The past is gone and the future is a mystery, but today…today is ok. But is ok all there is? What if today was it? If tomorrow never came would I be happy with who I am and what I’ve accomplished up until this point?
People have come in and out of my life, each one altering me in one way or another. I can’t even remember the person I was 5 years ago. What I was passionate about, what I was fearful of, what my wardrobe consisted of, the places I frequented and people I felt I couldn’t live without. So much has changed since then. Over the past year alone I feel I have forcibly become a completely different person. Maybe that’s it? Many of these changes may very well be for my own good, but because they were forced on me I find myself being more resentful of them than grateful for them. I’m a child of comfort. I enjoy the familiar, the customary. I realize that in order to move forward sometimes you have to step outside the box, and maybe when I couldn’t do that myself the universe stepped in and gave me a little push. They say you learn the most from the teachers that are harshest. That’s certainly been true in my case. I have always walked away feeling all the more secure from the teachers who refused to coddle me, from those who saw my potential and would not allow me to settle for anything less. Perhaps that is the struggle I am having with the universe now? Being the harsh mistress she can sometimes be she’s pushing me in a direction I most likely would not have arrived at on my own. It may very well be for the best, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. Then again, it doesn’t mean that she has to care. There is a greater plan. Things are going to happen the way they were meant to, and fighting the current will only cause us stress and conflict. Sometimes we need to let go and roll along. As I stand on this precipice I open my arms and let the wind blow through me. After all, what’s the worst that could happen?
For a long time I’ve beaten myself up about past mistakes, agonized about going back and doing things differently. The thing is you can’t go back. Life continues to move forward and, like the tide, will drag us along with it. I’m at a place right now where I have no idea what’s coming next. I’m just trying to find my way, and until I do everything is temporary. Not since acting school have I felt more in the moment. There is nowhere to go besides the here and now. The past is gone and the future is a mystery, but today…today is ok. But is ok all there is? What if today was it? If tomorrow never came would I be happy with who I am and what I’ve accomplished up until this point?
People have come in and out of my life, each one altering me in one way or another. I can’t even remember the person I was 5 years ago. What I was passionate about, what I was fearful of, what my wardrobe consisted of, the places I frequented and people I felt I couldn’t live without. So much has changed since then. Over the past year alone I feel I have forcibly become a completely different person. Maybe that’s it? Many of these changes may very well be for my own good, but because they were forced on me I find myself being more resentful of them than grateful for them. I’m a child of comfort. I enjoy the familiar, the customary. I realize that in order to move forward sometimes you have to step outside the box, and maybe when I couldn’t do that myself the universe stepped in and gave me a little push. They say you learn the most from the teachers that are harshest. That’s certainly been true in my case. I have always walked away feeling all the more secure from the teachers who refused to coddle me, from those who saw my potential and would not allow me to settle for anything less. Perhaps that is the struggle I am having with the universe now? Being the harsh mistress she can sometimes be she’s pushing me in a direction I most likely would not have arrived at on my own. It may very well be for the best, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. Then again, it doesn’t mean that she has to care. There is a greater plan. Things are going to happen the way they were meant to, and fighting the current will only cause us stress and conflict. Sometimes we need to let go and roll along. As I stand on this precipice I open my arms and let the wind blow through me. After all, what’s the worst that could happen?
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Stranded
Wow, it's been a while...probably because I've been out there trying to get my life together. If you see Adrienne send her my way, because I just haven't been myself lately and it feels as though I keep making one wrong decision after another.
The question remains the same...what am I doing with my life? The answer of course is always a different story. I guess I want too many things. I'm sending mixed signals into the world and that's causing confusion. Maybe it's that I keep fighting the obvious answer and that's why I always feel so unsettled? But what is the obvious answer? To relocate? I guess you never know until you try. I could always come back if it doesn't work out. But there are certain elements of my life that I enjoy here and am afraid of losing. I'm also petrified that those things won't work out long term and I will have missed out on opportunities that I should have seized while I had them available to me.
It all keeps floating around in my head and it's driving me crazy. I am creative, not corporate, but sometimes I so desperately want to find a 9-5 job with a competitive salary and benefits; something steady and reliable so that I can start planning for the future. The future...talk about scary. I used to anticipate it, look forward to it, now suddenly it scares me to death. Maybe it's because I can no longer cruise by expecting other people to set up my future for me. It also isn't something I can wish for and keep my fingers crossed until it happens. It's something I need to work towards. When did that happen? Not sure, but I'm so scared to wake up alone one day stuck working a minimum wage job and still living with family. The thought of this just made me laugh a little, but the truth is it very well could happen. And sure, it might be a long way off, but if I don't start working on it from now it won't be long before I walk face first into that wall...and then what?
I know things happen at different times for different people, but I used to look out and see hundreds of boats on the horizon, each one coming to take me somewhere magical. Those hundreds dwindled down to 50 then 20 then 10 and now it seems I'm stranded on this island and I have no idea when the next boat is coming, or where it will take me. But I HAVE to get off this island because it's making me crazy! Maybe I should just start swimming and see what happens?
The question remains the same...what am I doing with my life? The answer of course is always a different story. I guess I want too many things. I'm sending mixed signals into the world and that's causing confusion. Maybe it's that I keep fighting the obvious answer and that's why I always feel so unsettled? But what is the obvious answer? To relocate? I guess you never know until you try. I could always come back if it doesn't work out. But there are certain elements of my life that I enjoy here and am afraid of losing. I'm also petrified that those things won't work out long term and I will have missed out on opportunities that I should have seized while I had them available to me.
It all keeps floating around in my head and it's driving me crazy. I am creative, not corporate, but sometimes I so desperately want to find a 9-5 job with a competitive salary and benefits; something steady and reliable so that I can start planning for the future. The future...talk about scary. I used to anticipate it, look forward to it, now suddenly it scares me to death. Maybe it's because I can no longer cruise by expecting other people to set up my future for me. It also isn't something I can wish for and keep my fingers crossed until it happens. It's something I need to work towards. When did that happen? Not sure, but I'm so scared to wake up alone one day stuck working a minimum wage job and still living with family. The thought of this just made me laugh a little, but the truth is it very well could happen. And sure, it might be a long way off, but if I don't start working on it from now it won't be long before I walk face first into that wall...and then what?
I know things happen at different times for different people, but I used to look out and see hundreds of boats on the horizon, each one coming to take me somewhere magical. Those hundreds dwindled down to 50 then 20 then 10 and now it seems I'm stranded on this island and I have no idea when the next boat is coming, or where it will take me. But I HAVE to get off this island because it's making me crazy! Maybe I should just start swimming and see what happens?
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Fear
It seems this word is haunting me lately. For such a small word it certainly carries a very big meaning. I let this word dictate most of my life.
Could I have pursued acting more vigorously? Yes. Did I? No. Why? Fear.
Did I need to stay in a dead-end job for five years? No. Did I? Yes. Why? Fear.
Was it worth investing in a relationship where I came in second to pretty much everything else in his life? No. Did I? Yes. Why? Fear.
At the end of the day it all boils down to that little word. And really what am I afraid of? What’s the worst that can happen, failure? Well, isn’t coasting through life settling on everything from my job to my relationship failure? Why am I so afraid to do what is best for myself? I knew after two years at my last job that it was not what I wanted to do, but I let the fear of starting over keep me there well into my twenties. And what do I have to show for it? An extremely short resume and experience that will only further me within the restaurant industry.
I invested 110 percent in a relationship with someone who never cared to make an effort for me. And actually told me it worked while it was easy, but that I had become nothing but added stress in his life. And did I spend hours, days, weeks crying over this guy? Yes. Because even though I know deep down that he is not the one, the fear that I will never find the right person kept me chained to this guy’s side.
What is this notion we have that it’s better to have something than nothing? Where does that come from? FEAR! Am I alone right now? Yes. Do I feel completely lost? Yes. But was I not alone in my relationship? Was I not lost in my dead-end job? As scary as it is, at some point we have to stare fear down and embrace it for what it is. A motivational tool. Odds are if you fear something it’s because it’s good for you. Now granted, there are certain situations where this is not the case. I fear getting stung by bees because it could kill me. I am not going to run up to a hive after writing this and shake it in hopes that the result will be good for me. But we have to be able to acknowledge that fear is only as powerful as we allow it to be. And in certain situations facing that fear and pushing forward can end up being extremely rewarding and ultimately leading us to things that are even better for us.
I sit here in fear as I type this. It seems everything is happening at once and I have no control over any of it. But after the storm comes the calm, and maybe this fear is here to push me to finally take charge and start pursuing all those things I have put off for so long? Sure, maybe it’s just wishful thinking. But I need to believe that this is all coming up at this time for a reason.
They say the first step to recovery is acknowledging the problem. I have acknowledged the fear. I have called it by it’s name. I am facing it head on so that it knows it can no longer control me. And while I may not walk away from this battle unscathed, it is a battle worth fighting, and that realization alone is half the battle won.
Could I have pursued acting more vigorously? Yes. Did I? No. Why? Fear.
Did I need to stay in a dead-end job for five years? No. Did I? Yes. Why? Fear.
Was it worth investing in a relationship where I came in second to pretty much everything else in his life? No. Did I? Yes. Why? Fear.
At the end of the day it all boils down to that little word. And really what am I afraid of? What’s the worst that can happen, failure? Well, isn’t coasting through life settling on everything from my job to my relationship failure? Why am I so afraid to do what is best for myself? I knew after two years at my last job that it was not what I wanted to do, but I let the fear of starting over keep me there well into my twenties. And what do I have to show for it? An extremely short resume and experience that will only further me within the restaurant industry.
I invested 110 percent in a relationship with someone who never cared to make an effort for me. And actually told me it worked while it was easy, but that I had become nothing but added stress in his life. And did I spend hours, days, weeks crying over this guy? Yes. Because even though I know deep down that he is not the one, the fear that I will never find the right person kept me chained to this guy’s side.
What is this notion we have that it’s better to have something than nothing? Where does that come from? FEAR! Am I alone right now? Yes. Do I feel completely lost? Yes. But was I not alone in my relationship? Was I not lost in my dead-end job? As scary as it is, at some point we have to stare fear down and embrace it for what it is. A motivational tool. Odds are if you fear something it’s because it’s good for you. Now granted, there are certain situations where this is not the case. I fear getting stung by bees because it could kill me. I am not going to run up to a hive after writing this and shake it in hopes that the result will be good for me. But we have to be able to acknowledge that fear is only as powerful as we allow it to be. And in certain situations facing that fear and pushing forward can end up being extremely rewarding and ultimately leading us to things that are even better for us.
I sit here in fear as I type this. It seems everything is happening at once and I have no control over any of it. But after the storm comes the calm, and maybe this fear is here to push me to finally take charge and start pursuing all those things I have put off for so long? Sure, maybe it’s just wishful thinking. But I need to believe that this is all coming up at this time for a reason.
They say the first step to recovery is acknowledging the problem. I have acknowledged the fear. I have called it by it’s name. I am facing it head on so that it knows it can no longer control me. And while I may not walk away from this battle unscathed, it is a battle worth fighting, and that realization alone is half the battle won.
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