Stranded

Wow, it's been a while...probably because I've been out there trying to get my life together. If you see Adrienne send her my way, because I just haven't been myself lately and it feels as though I keep making one wrong decision after another.
The question remains the same...what am I doing with my life? The answer of course is always a different story. I guess I want too many things. I'm sending mixed signals into the world and that's causing confusion. Maybe it's that I keep fighting the obvious answer and that's why I always feel so unsettled? But what is the obvious answer? To relocate? I guess you never know until you try. I could always come back if it doesn't work out. But there are certain elements of my life that I enjoy here and am afraid of losing. I'm also petrified that those things won't work out long term and I will have missed out on opportunities that I should have seized while I had them available to me.

It all keeps floating around in my head and it's driving me crazy. I am creative, not corporate, but sometimes I so desperately want to find a 9-5 job with a competitive salary and benefits; something steady and reliable so that I can start planning for the future. The future...talk about scary. I used to anticipate it, look forward to it, now suddenly it scares me to death. Maybe it's because I can no longer cruise by expecting other people to set up my future for me. It also isn't something I can wish for and keep my fingers crossed until it happens. It's something I need to work towards. When did that happen? Not sure, but I'm so scared to wake up alone one day stuck working a minimum wage job and still living with family. The thought of this just made me laugh a little, but the truth is it very well could happen. And sure, it might be a long way off, but if I don't start working on it from now it won't be long before I walk face first into that wall...and then what?

I know things happen at different times for different people, but I used to look out and see hundreds of boats on the horizon, each one coming to take me somewhere magical. Those hundreds dwindled down to 50 then 20 then 10 and now it seems I'm stranded on this island and I have no idea when the next boat is coming, or where it will take me. But I HAVE to get off this island because it's making me crazy! Maybe I should just start swimming and see what happens?