The Here and Now

The quarter-life crisis has struck again. I’ve watched it take away friends, relatives, myself and now it’s back. The funny part is only people who have been there can acknowledge this for exactly what it is. The sudden realization that life isn’t everything you thought it would be, that there are hardships and stepping stones. The idea that running away to another place and starting fresh will make it all better. Maybe there is something behind that theory? Maybe I’m still unsettled because I’m still trapped in the same situation? But there are some major changes on the horizon. Some that thrill me and others that petrify me.

For a long time I’ve beaten myself up about past mistakes, agonized about going back and doing things differently. The thing is you can’t go back. Life continues to move forward and, like the tide, will drag us along with it. I’m at a place right now where I have no idea what’s coming next. I’m just trying to find my way, and until I do everything is temporary. Not since acting school have I felt more in the moment. There is nowhere to go besides the here and now. The past is gone and the future is a mystery, but today…today is ok. But is ok all there is? What if today was it? If tomorrow never came would I be happy with who I am and what I’ve accomplished up until this point?

People have come in and out of my life, each one altering me in one way or another. I can’t even remember the person I was 5 years ago. What I was passionate about, what I was fearful of, what my wardrobe consisted of, the places I frequented and people I felt I couldn’t live without. So much has changed since then. Over the past year alone I feel I have forcibly become a completely different person. Maybe that’s it? Many of these changes may very well be for my own good, but because they were forced on me I find myself being more resentful of them than grateful for them. I’m a child of comfort. I enjoy the familiar, the customary. I realize that in order to move forward sometimes you have to step outside the box, and maybe when I couldn’t do that myself the universe stepped in and gave me a little push. They say you learn the most from the teachers that are harshest. That’s certainly been true in my case. I have always walked away feeling all the more secure from the teachers who refused to coddle me, from those who saw my potential and would not allow me to settle for anything less. Perhaps that is the struggle I am having with the universe now? Being the harsh mistress she can sometimes be she’s pushing me in a direction I most likely would not have arrived at on my own. It may very well be for the best, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. Then again, it doesn’t mean that she has to care. There is a greater plan. Things are going to happen the way they were meant to, and fighting the current will only cause us stress and conflict. Sometimes we need to let go and roll along. As I stand on this precipice I open my arms and let the wind blow through me. After all, what’s the worst that could happen?