The Voice

I've heard it said that when you know, you know. That may very well be true for most people, but lately not so much for me. I don't know what's been going on with my inner compass, but this past year seems to have been a series of mistakes and misfortunes. So much so that I fear I may never be able to make another decision.

After losing my job I set out in search of new employment. Sheesh, was that an ordeal! First place was too chaotic, next place was too regimented. I finally found one that seemed to be just right, but ignored that little voice in my head and ended up somewhere that made me cry on my way there every day. After making one bad decision after another, I decided I had made my bed and there was nothing left to do but lie in it.

We don't get an endless amount of chances in life, but sometimes, just when we think we're doomed, that very last chance comes around and says grab hold, you moron! Now see, this part is tricky because depending on where you are in your journey you might not recognize this as your last chance. Luckily for me it had been 6 months of confusion and misery, so I put superglue on my palms and grabbed hold of that last chance with whatever I had left in me. I have since found myself in a place that seems to be a closer fit to the way I work. But six months of bad decisions is a long time and it's left me unable to trust myself.

You know that saying, "I am my own worst enemy"? YEAH, big time!! Because I'm pretty sure the little voice in my head has been right all along. I am the one who analyzes and over analyzes until I've completely talked myself out of what my initial instinct said and into the most miserable complicated experience there is.

We are supposed to get wiser as we age, right? I guess with the way I'm going I will actually start listening to that voice when I'm in my forties.
But what if that voice is wrong? Back at the beginning of the year completely out of the blue I started dating this guy. He came on strong at first, but it was kind of sweet to see how excited and enthusiastic he was about things. Talk about a honeymoon phase. He was all about me, talking about wanting to introduce me to his family, and how I should feel special because he'd never brought a girl home before. I thought for sure this guy was it. Everything in my being told me so. For so long I'd gone back and forth between the good looking guys that were jerks and the nice guys I didn't find attractive. Then out of nowhere this kid falls into my lap, and he seems to be the whole package. No matter how hard I tried to take it slow I couldn't. Neither of us seemed to want to. It was like we had both been searching for the same thing and found it in each other. I thought for sure we were on our way, so you can imagine my surprise when my good friend Linda (the pyschic) gave me a reading and told me he was not the one. My heart sank. How could this be possible? We were so totally meant to be. The universe created, gift wrapped and delivered him to me, of course he was the one! But another popular saying that comes into play during this story is the one about "if it seems too good to be true it probably is." I was so caught up in thinking this guy was the one I neglected all of the warning signs. The biggest one being that he's 2 years younger than me. Now granted, I know women who have dated and even married younger men, but there was something special about this kid. When we met I was about to turn 27 which would make him 24 going on...that magic number! I should have known it was only a matter of time before he woke up one morning wondering what he was doing with his life. So now here we are, the crisis has struck again! I'm digging my way out and he's just fallen in. And what option has he gone with? Moving away and starting fresh. Amazing!

Well listen, I wish him the best, I really do. I wish I could sort myself out as quickly as he did. But instead I'm left here with that little voice that led me astray. That voice that talked me into ignoring all the signs because this was the one. That voice that seductively whispered in my ear and had visions of sugarplums dancing in my head, and the next thing I know I'm having the rug pulled out from under me. I realize it’s bad to take candy from a stranger, but shouldn’t you at least be able to trust something that’s a part of you? I feel hoodwinked…bamboozled and it ain’t good, not at all!