The Struggle for Control

I've been putting off writing this because a lot of it is hard for me to say. But I guess that's the whole reason behind this blog, to get out some of the things that are hardest for me to say and deal with along this journey.

I've come to the conclusion recently that my main problem with this whole getting older thing isn't the aging process or the misconceptions or judgments that are often made of people after a certain age. No, it's the total and complete lack of control. The world around me keeps changing and expects me to change along with it. Some of these changes are evolutionary and some are just ridiculous, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Granted, this may sound difficult to most of you, but to a control freak like me it's absolutely earth shattering. My body is aging. My energy is draining. It's suddenly no longer cool and independent to be without a boyfriend. No, everyone wants to know when I'm going to find that perfect someone so I can settle down and start working on a family, because that's the normal path in life. And maybe I don't want normal, but it's still expected of me.

Seriously, when the hell did things get so out of control, or so under control that there's really no way around it? I feel like I've been wading out in the sea for years and now this big wave has just come rushing up and swallowed me whole. How do I get back in control of my own life? I've stated in the past that part of the problem is that I don't know what I want, but that's not it. I do know what I want, I just have NO idea how to go about getting it. Most of the time I'm too caught up in the day to dayness of life to have any energy left over to pursue my dreams, or even dream at all.

I need more time. I need to go back to when it was okay to not have a plan because I still had so much growing up to do and my life would change a million times before I settled on who I was and what I wanted. Did your parents ever say that? You would tell them a career choice you had made or a name you had picked out for your future child and they'd say, "Oh, that'll change a million times before then." And they were right. Yes, I just gave parents credit for something, I know, but they were. You did change your mind a million times because there was plenty of time to do so. But at some point it stops being cute and starts becoming a reason for people to feel sorry for you. "Poor thing can't figure out what to do with herself."

Truth is it's been planned out for us all along. From the start of our lives right up until college and that's when it all goes a little wonky. That's when things stop being planned out for us and we're forced to take responsibility for our own lives. So maybe that's it? Maybe it's less that we lose all control and more that we're given complete control. It's like learning to walk all over again. You start out taking baby steps, but sometimes you just want to get to the other side of the room, so you try to go really fast and the next thing you know you're landing on your face. That hurts, and after a number of times might make you scared to try again. I guess that's where I'm at right now. My current situation isn't working out, but I'm scared to try again, so I just keep coasting along. I gotta tell you, it's no way to live.