No Time Like The Present

There have often been times where I’ve thought, I wish I could do that one more time. Whenever a show I was working on closed I’d wish for one more performance. After a really enjoyable meal I’d wish for one more bite. Whenever a relationship ended I’d wish for one last embrace. And whenever someone I loved passed away I’d wish for one more chance to tell them what they meant to me. I guess it’s about closure. I’m one of those people who need it to move on. But there often is no closure to be found. It is what it is. Life continues to move forward and we have to move with it. There really is no choice. And the longer you spend dwelling on the past the more you miss out on in the present. Not to be preachy, but we never know when things are going to happen, so it’s important to make the most of what we have while we have it. Sometimes things change for the better. But other times it takes a lot to bounce back from the hand we’re dealt. And sometimes afterwards we’re not the same.

I recently lost a good friend of mine. Someone who inspired me from the moment I met her. She was my age, and seeing her in a casket was something I was not prepared to do. She had a long and hard fight, but she always looked for the silver lining. Whenever we would talk or hang out her spirit was happy and strong. Now that she’s gone I can feel that spirit around me.

Walking up to the casket was strange. It was like talking to an old friend while she slept. I greeted her the way I would any other time, but then I went into shock. Were we really here? Was this really happening? I knelt by her a long time, talking and praying. A lot of people told me to look on the bright side, her suffering had ended. But I wasn’t relieved, I was angry. She had fought so hard for so long, why did it have to end this way? Why couldn’t she have won the battle? I told her I would carry her with me. That everything I did from here on out would be for both of us. Then I went to my seat and focused on remembering her the way she was, and not the way she looked then. As time passed my head began to hurt, so I decided it was time to go. I thought about taking one last look before leaving, but then decided that’s not how I wanted to remember her.

After I reached the parking lot I broke down in tears. She had touched so many lives. Seeing all these people that I hadn’t seen since high school was overwhelming. And thinking of the reason that brought us all back together again was even harder. As soon as I got home I wanted to go back. I wanted to hold her, to see her again. But then I remembered the decision I had made and the reason I had made it. Life is never ending. It goes on in one big circle. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and although I struggle to find the purpose in those reasons sometimes, they always manage to teach me a lesson along the way. You can’t go back in time. You can’t have more of something that has ended. You need to be present in the moment and make the most of the time you have. There should be no regrets. Every step you take helps mold the person you’ll become.

Ariana lived life to its fullest, and that’s what I will strive to do from this day forward. Getting older has been a challenge for me because I often worry about all the things I haven’t accomplished yet. But in worrying, all I’m really doing is wasting more time that I could be out there making the most of. We are not promised one more dance, one more laugh, one more smile. It’s sad that she had to go so soon, but she made the most of the time she was given, and it makes me feel wasteful not to do the same. Rest in peace now, Ari. You are an amazing person and you have taught me the greatest lesson there is to learn. I love you. You are with me always.