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There have often been times where I’ve thought, I wish I could do that one more time. Whenever a show I was working on closed I’d wish for one more performance. After a really enjoyable meal I’d wish for one more bite. Whenever a relationship ended I’d wish for one last embrace. And whenever someone I loved passed away I’d wish for one more chance to tell them what they meant to me. I guess it’s about closure. I’m one of those people who need it to move on. But there often is no closure to be found. It is what it is. Life continues to move forward and we have to move with it. There really is no choice. And the longer you spend dwelling on the past the more you miss out on in the present. Not to be preachy, but we never know when things are going to happen, so it’s important to make the most of what we have while we have it. Sometimes things change for the better. But other times it takes a lot to bounce back from the hand we’re dealt. And sometimes afterwards we’re not the same.
I recently lost a good friend of mine. Someone who inspired me from the moment I met her. She was my age, and seeing her in a casket was something I was not prepared to do. She had a long and hard fight, but she always looked for the silver lining. Whenever we would talk or hang out her spirit was happy and strong. Now that she’s gone I can feel that spirit around me.
Walking up to the casket was strange. It was like talking to an old friend while she slept. I greeted her the way I would any other time, but then I went into shock. Were we really here? Was this really happening? I knelt by her a long time, talking and praying. A lot of people told me to look on the bright side, her suffering had ended. But I wasn’t relieved, I was angry. She had fought so hard for so long, why did it have to end this way? Why couldn’t she have won the battle? I told her I would carry her with me. That everything I did from here on out would be for both of us. Then I went to my seat and focused on remembering her the way she was, and not the way she looked then. As time passed my head began to hurt, so I decided it was time to go. I thought about taking one last look before leaving, but then decided that’s not how I wanted to remember her.
After I reached the parking lot I broke down in tears. She had touched so many lives. Seeing all these people that I hadn’t seen since high school was overwhelming. And thinking of the reason that brought us all back together again was even harder. As soon as I got home I wanted to go back. I wanted to hold her, to see her again. But then I remembered the decision I had made and the reason I had made it. Life is never ending. It goes on in one big circle. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and although I struggle to find the purpose in those reasons sometimes, they always manage to teach me a lesson along the way. You can’t go back in time. You can’t have more of something that has ended. You need to be present in the moment and make the most of the time you have. There should be no regrets. Every step you take helps mold the person you’ll become.
Ariana lived life to its fullest, and that’s what I will strive to do from this day forward. Getting older has been a challenge for me because I often worry about all the things I haven’t accomplished yet. But in worrying, all I’m really doing is wasting more time that I could be out there making the most of. We are not promised one more dance, one more laugh, one more smile. It’s sad that she had to go so soon, but she made the most of the time she was given, and it makes me feel wasteful not to do the same. Rest in peace now, Ari. You are an amazing person and you have taught me the greatest lesson there is to learn. I love you. You are with me always.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Show Me The Money!
Okay, granted this is not what this blog is about, but since other people find it okay to take to their blog for every little thing, I'm going to take a moment to abuse my power and vent.
Everyone wants something for free!!! Don't get me wrong, I welcome anything gratis, but I don't expect it. I don't pout and complain because I feel like it's owed to me. My favorite part about all this is that most of the people who expect free stuff are people who can afford to pay full cost!!
If you can afford to bring your clients out to a 3 star restaurant for dinner, please don't look for ways to cut corners. Let's be serious, there are more affordable places to dine. Might I suggest Outback?! Also, what's up with pharmaceutical companies sending over all their guidelines about pricing? Really, we cannot allow your guests to choose an appetizer that is more than $10? Um, I know bar menus with more expensive appetizers. And, I'm sorry, when did it become my responsibility to regulate what your guests order? Why don't YOU let them know that you're too cheap to pay for what they'd like to eat at the restaurant YOU brought them to? And, please, are you guys really that hard up for money? I thought drug dealers made bank.
And how about my lovely friends from the UES? You know the ones who roll into the restaurant dripping in Chanel. No, really, ladies, you just need a dab on each wrist and behind the ears. Anyway, they stroll in and drop their big heavy furs on top of you. They can't acknowledge you to say hello, but will certainly give you an earful about not being greeted properly. Then you show them to their table where they sit for hours, because, after all, when you're waiting for death what else is there to do? But when it comes time to regain the dead animal they threw over you earlier, they can't be bothered to look for a dollar. Perhaps it's that they don't carry bills that small? Or perhaps it's that you are too insignificant? Maybe it's just the economy? I mean a dollar is a dollar. Never mind that they just dropped half a grand on dinner. Please, keep your dollar, but also, keep your wretched smelling coat. Coat checking is a service, if you cannot pay for the service, don't have it done.
But it's not just the ladies who are to blame, no, no. All those business men with their ridiculously heavy briefcases are also in the wrong. And I love how they can tell me how heavy it is while handing it to me, "Careful, sweetie, it's heavy," but somehow the fact that I hauled it in and out of the coat check for them doesn't register as reason enough for a tip.
And then there are the people who show up 30-45 minutes early for their reservation and are then confused when you tell them you're not open yet. One guy actually asked me, "So you want me to leave?" Imagine that? I'm running a BUSINESS, because contrary to popular belief that's what a restaurant is, and there are business hours under which we operate. Who knew? Let me ask you, if you went to a museum while it was closed and said you wanted to be let in, do you think it would happen? Probably not. And do you know why? Because it's a BUSINESS!! A business that is in business to make money. Sure we love our guests (most of them anyway) and we are grateful for the patronage that keeps us up and running, but at the end of the day we do what we do for money. It's not out of the goodness of our hearts. If you would like to eat something specific at a specific time, stay home and cook. Don't go to a restaurant if you can't eat the food. Don't ask for something that's not on the menu. Don't make a reservation and then show up whenever the hell you feel like it. DO NOT TIP LESS THAN 15%! These things are not okay. They're not okay! If you want the experience of fine dining then come on out and treat yourself to a wonderful evening of food and wine. Otherwise, wait for Restaurant Week. At least then we know what to expect.
Everyone wants something for free!!! Don't get me wrong, I welcome anything gratis, but I don't expect it. I don't pout and complain because I feel like it's owed to me. My favorite part about all this is that most of the people who expect free stuff are people who can afford to pay full cost!!
If you can afford to bring your clients out to a 3 star restaurant for dinner, please don't look for ways to cut corners. Let's be serious, there are more affordable places to dine. Might I suggest Outback?! Also, what's up with pharmaceutical companies sending over all their guidelines about pricing? Really, we cannot allow your guests to choose an appetizer that is more than $10? Um, I know bar menus with more expensive appetizers. And, I'm sorry, when did it become my responsibility to regulate what your guests order? Why don't YOU let them know that you're too cheap to pay for what they'd like to eat at the restaurant YOU brought them to? And, please, are you guys really that hard up for money? I thought drug dealers made bank.
And how about my lovely friends from the UES? You know the ones who roll into the restaurant dripping in Chanel. No, really, ladies, you just need a dab on each wrist and behind the ears. Anyway, they stroll in and drop their big heavy furs on top of you. They can't acknowledge you to say hello, but will certainly give you an earful about not being greeted properly. Then you show them to their table where they sit for hours, because, after all, when you're waiting for death what else is there to do? But when it comes time to regain the dead animal they threw over you earlier, they can't be bothered to look for a dollar. Perhaps it's that they don't carry bills that small? Or perhaps it's that you are too insignificant? Maybe it's just the economy? I mean a dollar is a dollar. Never mind that they just dropped half a grand on dinner. Please, keep your dollar, but also, keep your wretched smelling coat. Coat checking is a service, if you cannot pay for the service, don't have it done.
But it's not just the ladies who are to blame, no, no. All those business men with their ridiculously heavy briefcases are also in the wrong. And I love how they can tell me how heavy it is while handing it to me, "Careful, sweetie, it's heavy," but somehow the fact that I hauled it in and out of the coat check for them doesn't register as reason enough for a tip.
And then there are the people who show up 30-45 minutes early for their reservation and are then confused when you tell them you're not open yet. One guy actually asked me, "So you want me to leave?" Imagine that? I'm running a BUSINESS, because contrary to popular belief that's what a restaurant is, and there are business hours under which we operate. Who knew? Let me ask you, if you went to a museum while it was closed and said you wanted to be let in, do you think it would happen? Probably not. And do you know why? Because it's a BUSINESS!! A business that is in business to make money. Sure we love our guests (most of them anyway) and we are grateful for the patronage that keeps us up and running, but at the end of the day we do what we do for money. It's not out of the goodness of our hearts. If you would like to eat something specific at a specific time, stay home and cook. Don't go to a restaurant if you can't eat the food. Don't ask for something that's not on the menu. Don't make a reservation and then show up whenever the hell you feel like it. DO NOT TIP LESS THAN 15%! These things are not okay. They're not okay! If you want the experience of fine dining then come on out and treat yourself to a wonderful evening of food and wine. Otherwise, wait for Restaurant Week. At least then we know what to expect.
The Struggle for Control
I've been putting off writing this because a lot of it is hard for me to say. But I guess that's the whole reason behind this blog, to get out some of the things that are hardest for me to say and deal with along this journey.
I've come to the conclusion recently that my main problem with this whole getting older thing isn't the aging process or the misconceptions or judgments that are often made of people after a certain age. No, it's the total and complete lack of control. The world around me keeps changing and expects me to change along with it. Some of these changes are evolutionary and some are just ridiculous, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Granted, this may sound difficult to most of you, but to a control freak like me it's absolutely earth shattering. My body is aging. My energy is draining. It's suddenly no longer cool and independent to be without a boyfriend. No, everyone wants to know when I'm going to find that perfect someone so I can settle down and start working on a family, because that's the normal path in life. And maybe I don't want normal, but it's still expected of me.
Seriously, when the hell did things get so out of control, or so under control that there's really no way around it? I feel like I've been wading out in the sea for years and now this big wave has just come rushing up and swallowed me whole. How do I get back in control of my own life? I've stated in the past that part of the problem is that I don't know what I want, but that's not it. I do know what I want, I just have NO idea how to go about getting it. Most of the time I'm too caught up in the day to dayness of life to have any energy left over to pursue my dreams, or even dream at all.
I need more time. I need to go back to when it was okay to not have a plan because I still had so much growing up to do and my life would change a million times before I settled on who I was and what I wanted. Did your parents ever say that? You would tell them a career choice you had made or a name you had picked out for your future child and they'd say, "Oh, that'll change a million times before then." And they were right. Yes, I just gave parents credit for something, I know, but they were. You did change your mind a million times because there was plenty of time to do so. But at some point it stops being cute and starts becoming a reason for people to feel sorry for you. "Poor thing can't figure out what to do with herself."
Truth is it's been planned out for us all along. From the start of our lives right up until college and that's when it all goes a little wonky. That's when things stop being planned out for us and we're forced to take responsibility for our own lives. So maybe that's it? Maybe it's less that we lose all control and more that we're given complete control. It's like learning to walk all over again. You start out taking baby steps, but sometimes you just want to get to the other side of the room, so you try to go really fast and the next thing you know you're landing on your face. That hurts, and after a number of times might make you scared to try again. I guess that's where I'm at right now. My current situation isn't working out, but I'm scared to try again, so I just keep coasting along. I gotta tell you, it's no way to live.
I've come to the conclusion recently that my main problem with this whole getting older thing isn't the aging process or the misconceptions or judgments that are often made of people after a certain age. No, it's the total and complete lack of control. The world around me keeps changing and expects me to change along with it. Some of these changes are evolutionary and some are just ridiculous, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Granted, this may sound difficult to most of you, but to a control freak like me it's absolutely earth shattering. My body is aging. My energy is draining. It's suddenly no longer cool and independent to be without a boyfriend. No, everyone wants to know when I'm going to find that perfect someone so I can settle down and start working on a family, because that's the normal path in life. And maybe I don't want normal, but it's still expected of me.
Seriously, when the hell did things get so out of control, or so under control that there's really no way around it? I feel like I've been wading out in the sea for years and now this big wave has just come rushing up and swallowed me whole. How do I get back in control of my own life? I've stated in the past that part of the problem is that I don't know what I want, but that's not it. I do know what I want, I just have NO idea how to go about getting it. Most of the time I'm too caught up in the day to dayness of life to have any energy left over to pursue my dreams, or even dream at all.
I need more time. I need to go back to when it was okay to not have a plan because I still had so much growing up to do and my life would change a million times before I settled on who I was and what I wanted. Did your parents ever say that? You would tell them a career choice you had made or a name you had picked out for your future child and they'd say, "Oh, that'll change a million times before then." And they were right. Yes, I just gave parents credit for something, I know, but they were. You did change your mind a million times because there was plenty of time to do so. But at some point it stops being cute and starts becoming a reason for people to feel sorry for you. "Poor thing can't figure out what to do with herself."
Truth is it's been planned out for us all along. From the start of our lives right up until college and that's when it all goes a little wonky. That's when things stop being planned out for us and we're forced to take responsibility for our own lives. So maybe that's it? Maybe it's less that we lose all control and more that we're given complete control. It's like learning to walk all over again. You start out taking baby steps, but sometimes you just want to get to the other side of the room, so you try to go really fast and the next thing you know you're landing on your face. That hurts, and after a number of times might make you scared to try again. I guess that's where I'm at right now. My current situation isn't working out, but I'm scared to try again, so I just keep coasting along. I gotta tell you, it's no way to live.
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