Fear

It seems this word is haunting me lately. For such a small word it certainly carries a very big meaning. I let this word dictate most of my life.

Could I have pursued acting more vigorously? Yes. Did I? No. Why? Fear.

Did I need to stay in a dead-end job for five years? No. Did I? Yes. Why? Fear.

Was it worth investing in a relationship where I came in second to pretty much everything else in his life? No. Did I? Yes. Why? Fear.

At the end of the day it all boils down to that little word. And really what am I afraid of? What’s the worst that can happen, failure? Well, isn’t coasting through life settling on everything from my job to my relationship failure? Why am I so afraid to do what is best for myself? I knew after two years at my last job that it was not what I wanted to do, but I let the fear of starting over keep me there well into my twenties. And what do I have to show for it? An extremely short resume and experience that will only further me within the restaurant industry.

I invested 110 percent in a relationship with someone who never cared to make an effort for me. And actually told me it worked while it was easy, but that I had become nothing but added stress in his life. And did I spend hours, days, weeks crying over this guy? Yes. Because even though I know deep down that he is not the one, the fear that I will never find the right person kept me chained to this guy’s side.

What is this notion we have that it’s better to have something than nothing? Where does that come from? FEAR! Am I alone right now? Yes. Do I feel completely lost? Yes. But was I not alone in my relationship? Was I not lost in my dead-end job? As scary as it is, at some point we have to stare fear down and embrace it for what it is. A motivational tool. Odds are if you fear something it’s because it’s good for you. Now granted, there are certain situations where this is not the case. I fear getting stung by bees because it could kill me. I am not going to run up to a hive after writing this and shake it in hopes that the result will be good for me. But we have to be able to acknowledge that fear is only as powerful as we allow it to be. And in certain situations facing that fear and pushing forward can end up being extremely rewarding and ultimately leading us to things that are even better for us.

I sit here in fear as I type this. It seems everything is happening at once and I have no control over any of it. But after the storm comes the calm, and maybe this fear is here to push me to finally take charge and start pursuing all those things I have put off for so long? Sure, maybe it’s just wishful thinking. But I need to believe that this is all coming up at this time for a reason.

They say the first step to recovery is acknowledging the problem. I have acknowledged the fear. I have called it by it’s name. I am facing it head on so that it knows it can no longer control me. And while I may not walk away from this battle unscathed, it is a battle worth fighting, and that realization alone is half the battle won.

Is this how relationships end?

Right, so I recently wrote this email to the guy who is now my ex-boyfriend and upon reading it to my cousin was informed that it should be my next blog entry. Of course in hopes of salvaging the relationship I deleted the email.

The truth is you have to go with your gut, but what if your gut is pulling you in two different directions? As I sat there deciding whether or not to send the text that would ultimately lead to the end of my relationship I couldn't help but feel as though I was being pulled in two directions.

Part of me had had it. I wanted more and wasn't going to continue to deny myself in hopes that he would eventually come around. The other part understood that the added stress of a break up was not something I needed in my life at this moment. Plus, relationships are complicated. Perhaps we could have talked things out instead of calling it quits?

Several years ago there were a couple of books published about exactly what I'm going through right now. The first was called "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell about acting on your first instinct. The second was called "Think" by Michael R. LeGault which strongly contradicted all the theories mentioned in "Blink."

For the most part I have always been a "Think" kind of girl. When an idea crosses my mind I usually like to sit back and weigh all the options. Of course in doing so I usually end up second guessing myself and ultimately making the wrong decision. Recently, however, I've been more of a "Blink" girl and that hasn't done me any good either. It seems all the impulsive decisions I've made have caused me nothing but stress and doubt. Did I give it enough time? What if I had waited a little longer?

The real cause for this break up was time. A lack of time and mismanagement of the time available. I guess it's weighing on me now because I've never broken up with a person because I wanted to spend more time with them. Does that make any sense? I mean, I've heard of relationships ending because the two people just aren't compatible, or one cheated on the other, or they fell out of love, but to break up with someone you enjoy being around so much you simply want to spend as much time with them as possible...I just can't wrap my brain around it.

I suppose in the end everything happens for a reason, and perhaps someday it will all become clear to me. In the meantime, however, I need to figure out a new way of making decisions, because neither the “Think” nor "Blink" methods have worked for me.