The Blind Side

I've been sitting on this one for a bit, but after chatting with my friend Julia Baldwin and realizing how many other people out there are going through the exact same thing, I thought I would share my story in an attempt to bring some laughter and acknowledgement to what I've come to call "the blind side of 25." As those of you who know me and/or read my blog are aware I recently exited a relationship. I use that term loosely as I was recently informed that we were simply "hanging out" for 9 months and it wasn't that serious. Anyway, early on in the...situation lots of red flags started to pop up. The main one being that he was two years younger than me and about to enter in to his very own quarter-life crisis. Of course he didn't know it at the time, but having been to hell and back I was more than aware and should have walked away immediately, but that little voice got the better of me. The next red flag was that he still lives with his mother. At the time I had recently moved back in with my mother, so I was willing to let that slide. What I later found out was that he lives in a one bedroom apartment with his mom where he sleeps in the bedroom and she sleeps on the couch. That flag wasn’t just red, it was on fire!! Of course I did not acquire this information until after we had been dating a while and a connection had been made. In fact, I acquired this information on the way back to his house one night. We had gone out for a co-worker’s going away party and I had lost track of time. It wasn’t until the bouncer came over to kick us out that I realized the last train home had left hours before. I was stranded. After realizing that I would have to wait for over an hour and a half for the next train my fine gentleman was kind enough to invite me to his place. En route he tells me the inner workings of his lifestyle and explains that when we arrive I will…now get ready cause this is BRILLIANT…I will need to jump on his back and pretend to be a backpack so his mother won’t know he’s brought home a girl. Huh? Look, I went to acting school; I know how to get into character, but an inanimate object? He didn’t think his mom could tell the difference between a woman and a backpack!!? What was I thinking? But I stayed with him. I stayed with him well past our expiration date because maybe he wasn’t the best guy, but there is so much worse out there, so why not take what I could get, right? And that, my friends, is the blind side. In your early twenties you can sort of take it or leave it. You know there is plenty more to come and so there is no real rush to settle down. Later on in your thirties you’ve experienced a little more and know what you will and will not settle for. Then there is that tiny gap between the ages of I’d say 25-30, maybe even 32 in some cases where you happily turn a blind eye to all the red flags because this is the one, it HAS to be! All my friends are either married or engaged, some have children…I’m way behind schedule. And it’s not like we can just get married after a few dates, after all, I’m no Kardashian. Relationships take time and investment and at this point in your life it’s really hard to rest assured in the fact that the right person will come along. The more time that passes the more desperate we get, and that’s when we go blind. But we shouldn't allow this blindness to cause us to settle. I'm done with that, and people, this is your wake up call...open your eyes and pay attention! It's about LOVE. Love of self. Putting yourself first and protecting yourself from people who are only looking to waste your time and energy. It is a tough lesson to learn, I struggle with it all the time, but as Ru Paul says, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

I actually considered pretending to be a backpack for some guy who later after introducing me to his entire family and telling me he loved me turned around and told me he didn't want me anymore. That he hadn't for a while and he was sorry he hadn't told me sooner. But the truth is, he had told me sooner. He told me by not calling, by taking hours, sometimes days to return my messages. By refusing to acknowledge or support anything that made me happy. These are all signs that many of us make excuses for, or choose to overlook. We downplay how hurtful it is to be in a "relationship" with someone we know doesn't prioritize us or care about us as much as we do them, because we'd rather subject ourselves to a punishment we know we can handle than the punishment of being alone. But we are alone. If you are with someone who sees you as more of a convenience than a blessing, someone who makes you feel ordinary and easily replaceable, then you're with the wrong person. Take the blinders off and walk in a new direction. You'll find love, even if it's the love of self, because no one is worth the loss of self.

I wish you all love, laughter and 20/20 vision when it comes to matters of the heart.

Purpose

Something is in the works for me right now. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I feel a good energy about it. I use to feel as though I had this light about me; this light that brightened me from within and drew people to me. Over the course of the past few years that light had diminished, or at least it felt as though it had. I could no longer walk into a room and stand apart from the crowd. I was just another one of the millions, nothing special about it.

I share this with you because I feel at one point or another we all feel we are special, that we have a specific purpose and will be called to greatness one day. As we continue to age the realities of life begin to set in and some of us fall victim to the monotony of everyday living. For some the ability to fall into a routine is a blessing. There’s something peaceful about it. For others it begins to wear us down. Where am I going? What am I doing? We stop feeling special, stop feeling as though we’re called to serve a specific purpose, and start feeling lost and disillusioned. Maybe there truly isn’t anything special about me at all? Maybe I was just kidding myself? Maybe I’m just like everyone else? After all, we can’t all be special. If we were wouldn’t that somehow diminish the quality of what it means to be special in the first place?

I’ve been digging my way out of this tunnel for a while now. There have been moments where I’ve given up; moments where it felt as though all my efforts were in vain, and not worth it. But recently I’ve come to see a light at the end of this tunnel. Recently I have started to feel like there is a greater power working in my favor. Some of the choices I have made along the way have not been for the best. I’ve known this for a long time, but refused to accept it. I hate feeling like a failure, so I hold on to things sometimes well past what’s appropriate because I feel like the more I give and the longer I hang on the more clear my desire will become to the universe and there will be nothing left to do but give in and let me have it. But sometimes in life certain things are not meant to be, and no matter how much we want them, or how tightly we hold on to them, they will be taken away from us for the greater good. Of course it’s hard to see the greater good sometimes, especially when you want something so desperately, and especially when there is nothing to immediately fill the void that not having it leaves.

I recently suffered a loss. Actually, it feels as though I’ve been suffering this loss over and over for the past 6 months. You know that saying about history repeating itself? So true! History is constantly repeating itself, and if you don’t learn the first time around, you will be doomed to continue repeating the same vicious cycle over and over again until someone or something else intervenes and says enough. I’m stubborn. Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 punches to the face before I realize that moving out of the way would probably be a lot smarter. That’s how this recent situation went. For months I beat myself up, “If I had only…if I had only…if I had only…” But ultimately that’s not what was meant to be. I’ve known it for quite some time, and am finally coming to terms with it. There is a greater plan for me, one that includes happiness and success. I was trapped in the tunnel, surrounded by darkness. I had given up hope and allowed myself to settle for less than what I knew I deserved out of fear that I would never again reach that light that would allow me to shine as brightly as I once had. But there is something special about me. I am called to greatness. The life I was living was not enough, and the universe refused to allow me to settle for less.
We all go through dark moments. We all feel lackluster from time to time. But at the end of the day we each have something to offer, and yes some people’s offerings may be better than others, but it’s the way we offer it that sets us apart from one another.

I know that I have greatness within me. I know I have a purpose. I’m still on the path to figuring out exactly what that is, but I know when I finally come to realize it this will all have been worth it.