What's in a number?

Wow, this number is heavy. It has so many expectations associated with it. I try explaining how overwhelmed I feel sometimes and people look at me like I have three heads. Then the number 25 is mentioned and suddenly they’re all offering life advice.

Some seem to think the answer lies in getting a degree. Some think I should focus on meeting a guy and getting married. Some think it’s as easy as moving away and starting over. I suppose there are pros and cons to each of these theories. Perhaps in going back to school I will stumble upon something I never knew I was interested in and be taken down a completely different path. Or maybe I’ll spend years getting myself into even more debt only to discover that my degree is useless and I need to spend even more time and money in order to be considered overqualified enough to actually be hired in the field I am interested in pursuing.

Then there’s the issue of when to get married. How old is too old? I really feel like it’s a personal choice. Regardless of age, how can I share my life with someone when I barely know who I am? It may sound selfish, but shouldn’t I be focusing on myself right now? How many people rush into marriage only to eventually find themselves waking up next to a stranger? I’d like to take the time to really get to know myself, so that when I do find someone I could potentially share my life with, there is a full and content life to share.

As for moving away, this is an option I’ve considered many times. There are moments in my life when I just want to wipe the slate clean and start over in a place where no one knows me or expects anything from me. But isn’t that simply running away? Won’t the same demons follow me until I face them head on and conquer them? So why not solve the problem in my current location, so I can leave all the stress and confusion behind me if I chose to move in the future?

I guess my real issue isn’t so much with the number 25, it’s with myself and all the things I thought I would have accomplished by now, that I haven’t. For years I focused on being an actor. It’s what made me happy and brought me to life. However, in recent years, it’s become less of a desire because it makes me happy and more of a need because I don’t want to work in restaurants for the rest of my life. Sort of sucks the fun right out of it. But it has certainly helped me realize how little attention I’ve paid to all the other aspects of life. I think what I really need to work on is being more of a well rounded person. There have got to be other things that I’m good at and enjoy doing. Sometimes I fantasize about being a detective. Getting to carry a gun and a badge and solve crimes. Or what about an attorney? Working on the ins and outs of my case and figuring out how to tie it all together in court for the judge and jury. I’ve also considered delivering babies and becoming a psychiatrist. But then it always becomes clear to me, I don’t actually want to be any of those things; I just want to play them. I think that would be much more fun!

The truth is I don’t know what I want. And figuring it out is half the battle. But sometimes I don’t have the energy to fight. It’s hard enough to keep up with the day to day responsibilities of life. Sometimes I’m so tired by the time I get home, I can’t be bothered to do anything besides eat some dinner and pass out. Next thing I know, it’s morning and I’ve got to do it all again. It happens to so many of us. The monotony of life. Why? Life is too short for most of it to be spent slaving away at a job we hate so we can live paycheck to paycheck. And maybe it won’t be like this forever, but this is certainly not what I had in mind when I dreamed about being an adult. And excuse me for not wanting to grow up when aging only seems to come with even more hardships and responsibility. Okay, so before my acting teacher calls and yells at me, let me stop getting ahead of myself and get back to living in the moment. The here and now. They say if you visualize what you want it will come to you. I would love to test this theory, if only I could figure out what it is I want to visualize.