.JPG)
I now completely understand how people have nervous breakdowns. In fact, I’m pretty sure most of them started off exactly where I am now. Let’s get brutally honest for a moment, shall we?
Back in 2005 I entered into the world of bartending in hopes of supporting myself with an evening job so that I would have time to audition during the day. That’s what actors do, right? Right, so I pound the pavement in search of a job and find that most places aren’t really interested in hiring someone with no New York City bartending experience. What are my options at this point? Well, maybe I can find work in Westchester and commute…? Sure, so I guest bartend at a string of places hoping that one will lead to a permanent job. Next thing I know I’m shooting a film with a friend of mine from school and she mentions that her restaurant is hiring, so I apply. Turns out all they had to offer was a hosting gig a couple days a week. Not exactly what I was planning on, but it would get my foot in the door of a NYC establishment, and then maybe I could parlay that into something more lucrative. Whatever the outcome, this was only a temporary fix. Cut to me 5 years later still working in the same place. The hours weren’t bad. I had worked my way up from host to office manager to event coordinator. I knew everything there was to know about the place, and as far as restaurant jobs go, it was kind of the cat’s meow. Don’t get me wrong, there were moments when I rebelled against and absolutely hated it. But that was just the creative me aching to bust out.
It wasn’t until this restaurant recently closed, forcing me back out into the cold cruel world, that I started to question if I was even meant to be in restaurants at all? I mean, is this my passion? Is it truly anyone’s’? I did a stint at this other restaurant job (we won’t mention any names to protect the innocent) where I found out it actually is a lot of peoples’ passion. It’s not just about paying the bills while you pursue something else, but actually about the love and interest in food and wine. Who knew? Seeing this made me realize I had been barking up the wrong tree all along. I was never in this industry for any of those reasons. To me restaurants were simply the means to an end. And who wants to spend 12 hours working in a place that does nothing to further you as a human being? Not to mention causes your eye to twitch and stomach to rumble whenever you even think of it? NOT ME! Life is too short and I’ve wasted far too much time already.
So here I am. Out here on my own, and I have no idea what to do now. Ideally I’d like to find work in something I’m passionate about and for which I have talent. I realize this might strike the wrong chord with some people. I’ve already been told by certain people (again we won’t mention names) that to think ideally is stupid and that I need to be more realistic. But where has being realistic gotten me? I should point out that all these people who keep telling me to be realistic are all working in a field they enjoy. I was realistic for 5 years. I worked hard and often sacrificed my own happiness for the sake of a job. Because that’s what we’re talking about here, folks, a job, not a career. And it’s not that I’m asking for pity. I know there are a lot of people out there struggling with the same issues and worse. For the most part I live a decent life, and I’m grateful for that, but is there something wrong with wanting the best for myself? It’s not that I don’t want to invest the time and energy, but I’d like to have something to show for it in the long run.
My cousin says the universe can’t push me forward until I choose a direction. Only problem is what do I do while I’m sorting out that direction? I don’t want to get sucked in to another dead-end job for the next 5 years. And yes, some would say that I’m thinking too far ahead, but isn’t one of the first questions they ask on a job interview, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” I would like the answer to be closer to my destiny. What’s so wrong with that?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Saturn's Return
Right, so here I was finally settling in and getting comfortable when along comes Saturn’s return to pull the rug out from under me. Not that it’s necessarily a bad thing. I realize the universe has a way of putting you on the right path, but a little warning would have been nice. Then again, maybe I was so caught up in the comfort and consistency of it all that I ignored the warning signs. Either way, it is what it is, there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is move forward and stay open to all the new and fabulous opportunities that are sure to come my way now that I’ve made some room for them.
Let’s go back a bit for those of you who are lost right now. My job of 5 years recently ended. On Friday, actually. The whole thing came as quite a shock. It’s kind of like being on a canceled sitcom that never got to tape a final episode. On Friday while some guy I’ve never seen before spoke to us about “landing on our feet” I looked around the room at the faces of all the people who have been like a second family to me for the past 5 years and slowly went into shock. Then suddenly the words I had heard only one week before started to flood my mind. While on a trip to PA last Saturday I engaged in a conversation with a woman who after discovering my age proceeded to explain the occurrence of Saturn’s return to me. After a thorough explanation she admitted that for the most part she was talking out of her ass, but encouraged me to look it up, and so I did. For those of you that don’t know, Saturn’s return is an astrological phenomenon which occurs at 27-29 and sometimes even 30 year intervals. It is believed that as Saturn returns to the degree in its orbit occupied at the time of birth, a person crosses over a major threshold and enters the next stage of life. Each return will cause people to reevaluate and often leads to major life changes. It is not uncommon for relationships and/or jobs to end during this time. Sounds kind of shitty, right? That’s what I thought at first, but apparently it’s not all about painful endings. Supposedly during this time people also tend to gain a better vision of what they want from and where they’re going in life. I’m looking forward to that.
I feel like I’ve been on this journey for the last couple of years wondering where I’m going and what’s expected of me. But what if there are no expectations? What is it that I want from life? The problem wasn’t that I didn’t know the answer to that question; it was that I didn’t have the time to figure it out. But now by taking away, the universe has also given. The river has gone from lazy to rapid and there’s nothing I can do but let go and allow it to carry me in its current to where I’m meant to be.
Let’s go back a bit for those of you who are lost right now. My job of 5 years recently ended. On Friday, actually. The whole thing came as quite a shock. It’s kind of like being on a canceled sitcom that never got to tape a final episode. On Friday while some guy I’ve never seen before spoke to us about “landing on our feet” I looked around the room at the faces of all the people who have been like a second family to me for the past 5 years and slowly went into shock. Then suddenly the words I had heard only one week before started to flood my mind. While on a trip to PA last Saturday I engaged in a conversation with a woman who after discovering my age proceeded to explain the occurrence of Saturn’s return to me. After a thorough explanation she admitted that for the most part she was talking out of her ass, but encouraged me to look it up, and so I did. For those of you that don’t know, Saturn’s return is an astrological phenomenon which occurs at 27-29 and sometimes even 30 year intervals. It is believed that as Saturn returns to the degree in its orbit occupied at the time of birth, a person crosses over a major threshold and enters the next stage of life. Each return will cause people to reevaluate and often leads to major life changes. It is not uncommon for relationships and/or jobs to end during this time. Sounds kind of shitty, right? That’s what I thought at first, but apparently it’s not all about painful endings. Supposedly during this time people also tend to gain a better vision of what they want from and where they’re going in life. I’m looking forward to that.
I feel like I’ve been on this journey for the last couple of years wondering where I’m going and what’s expected of me. But what if there are no expectations? What is it that I want from life? The problem wasn’t that I didn’t know the answer to that question; it was that I didn’t have the time to figure it out. But now by taking away, the universe has also given. The river has gone from lazy to rapid and there’s nothing I can do but let go and allow it to carry me in its current to where I’m meant to be.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
And now...
There have been a lot of times in life when I haven't gotten what I wanted. Sometimes I got nothing, and other times I received something else instead. At first the something else usually took some getting used to, but in the end it always seemed better suited for me than what I had originally set my hopes on obtaining.
Whatever the choices, whatever the course, life has led me to the here and now. And while it may not be what I had originally planned on, I'm finding that it may be what was meant to be all along. I'm happy and comfortable. I've worked hard and can now take time when I need time to do what is necessary for my happiness. We all strive to be the best, and maybe sometimes we have the best but don't realize it because we are always searching for more. I'm not saying you should ever give up or settle for what you know is less; I'm just saying take an inventory every once in a while. Sometimes those things you wanted several years ago no longer matter. However, if you find that they are still important to you, than by all means, don't stop until you've obtained them.
I'm at a point right now where I've stopped pushing in one direction or the other. It's nice to just float sometimes. I feel like eventually this stream will drop me on the shore of a new adventure, and by then I will have saved some energy to do everything that's waiting for me there.
I used to be a firm believer in doing everything as quickly as possible. I never wanted a moment to pass me by. And in being like that I often made hasty decisions that led me off course. Now, I'm not saying don't seize the opportunity when it presents itself. I'm just saying know yourself well enough to know if it's the best choice for you.
I have beat myself up for many years wondering what if about so many different situations. But I feel like I'm finally starting to step into the light now. I'm happy with who I am and what I'm capable of accomplishing. There is no other person like me out there and that gives me such a sense of pride and confidence. I still have no idea what lies ahead, but I'm less scared about it now. I know that with each step I'm coming closer to my destiny. And while I don't know what that will be, I know it will be good, and I know that I will know what to do when I get there because life has been preparing me all along.
Some people reach their destinies faster than others, but that's just because they were ready. So, while I'm still not 100% sure, and therefore not 100% ready, I have decided to stop fighting and questioning the process and just give myself up to it. I mean, it's led me here. Which isn't such a bad place after all.
Whatever the choices, whatever the course, life has led me to the here and now. And while it may not be what I had originally planned on, I'm finding that it may be what was meant to be all along. I'm happy and comfortable. I've worked hard and can now take time when I need time to do what is necessary for my happiness. We all strive to be the best, and maybe sometimes we have the best but don't realize it because we are always searching for more. I'm not saying you should ever give up or settle for what you know is less; I'm just saying take an inventory every once in a while. Sometimes those things you wanted several years ago no longer matter. However, if you find that they are still important to you, than by all means, don't stop until you've obtained them.
I'm at a point right now where I've stopped pushing in one direction or the other. It's nice to just float sometimes. I feel like eventually this stream will drop me on the shore of a new adventure, and by then I will have saved some energy to do everything that's waiting for me there.
I used to be a firm believer in doing everything as quickly as possible. I never wanted a moment to pass me by. And in being like that I often made hasty decisions that led me off course. Now, I'm not saying don't seize the opportunity when it presents itself. I'm just saying know yourself well enough to know if it's the best choice for you.
I have beat myself up for many years wondering what if about so many different situations. But I feel like I'm finally starting to step into the light now. I'm happy with who I am and what I'm capable of accomplishing. There is no other person like me out there and that gives me such a sense of pride and confidence. I still have no idea what lies ahead, but I'm less scared about it now. I know that with each step I'm coming closer to my destiny. And while I don't know what that will be, I know it will be good, and I know that I will know what to do when I get there because life has been preparing me all along.
Some people reach their destinies faster than others, but that's just because they were ready. So, while I'm still not 100% sure, and therefore not 100% ready, I have decided to stop fighting and questioning the process and just give myself up to it. I mean, it's led me here. Which isn't such a bad place after all.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Split Screen
I actually wrote this one a while ago and have been sitting on it because I didn’t like myself very much after reading it and didn’t want to project that energy out into the universe. But it is what it is. I wrote it because it needed to come out, and I think I am finally ready to share it.
I was watching a commercial the other day where a woman is living parallel lives on a split screen. For most of the commercial the same exact thing is happening until things take a turn. Suddenly on the left side of the screen she’s actually on stage performing in a ballet while on the right side she’s only sitting in the audience watching. The moral of the commercial (yes, it’s one of those) is that every moment counts. The decision you make in the blink of an eye can be the difference between greatness and indifference in the future.
I keep trying to think back, to remember when the exact moment was that I made whatever decision it was that got me to where I am now. When did I cross that line? And will there ever be another opportunity for me to get back to the side of the screen that rocks? I’ve heard people say that you should have no regrets in life, and that’s something I struggle with everyday. Obviously there is no going back, and while I know I should focus on living in the present, I can’t help but think about the past because it’s what brought me to where I am now; the right side of the screen, which, for the record, is actually the wrong side. It’s kind of funny because I find that like the line to the Fleetwood Mac song “Landslide” says, “Time makes you bolder.” The older I get the better I know myself, the more secure I am and the bolder I become. But where was all this boldness when I needed it? Where was it hiding when I was making that decision which ultimately led me to the right side of the screen? Well, if nothing else, at least time has given me the wisdom to laugh about it so I don’t cry.
That’s how this entry ended originally. I had given up hope until just last weekend when I met an incredible woman named Julia Baldwin who recently wrote “No one's destiny is written! At any moment you can leave the life path that you are now on and embark on one that is more compassionate, wise, fulfilling and free!!!!” as her status on Facebook. Now, say what you will. Everyone’s beliefs are different. I for one happen to be a big believer in the fact that things happen for a reason, which is why I believe this was the universe sending me a message. Had I not met her last weekend we wouldn’t have become friends and I never would have read that status which inspired me beyond belief. So thank you Adeeb for introducing us, and thank you Julia for restoring my hope. I’m working my way back to the left side of the screen, people!
I was watching a commercial the other day where a woman is living parallel lives on a split screen. For most of the commercial the same exact thing is happening until things take a turn. Suddenly on the left side of the screen she’s actually on stage performing in a ballet while on the right side she’s only sitting in the audience watching. The moral of the commercial (yes, it’s one of those) is that every moment counts. The decision you make in the blink of an eye can be the difference between greatness and indifference in the future.
I keep trying to think back, to remember when the exact moment was that I made whatever decision it was that got me to where I am now. When did I cross that line? And will there ever be another opportunity for me to get back to the side of the screen that rocks? I’ve heard people say that you should have no regrets in life, and that’s something I struggle with everyday. Obviously there is no going back, and while I know I should focus on living in the present, I can’t help but think about the past because it’s what brought me to where I am now; the right side of the screen, which, for the record, is actually the wrong side. It’s kind of funny because I find that like the line to the Fleetwood Mac song “Landslide” says, “Time makes you bolder.” The older I get the better I know myself, the more secure I am and the bolder I become. But where was all this boldness when I needed it? Where was it hiding when I was making that decision which ultimately led me to the right side of the screen? Well, if nothing else, at least time has given me the wisdom to laugh about it so I don’t cry.
That’s how this entry ended originally. I had given up hope until just last weekend when I met an incredible woman named Julia Baldwin who recently wrote “No one's destiny is written! At any moment you can leave the life path that you are now on and embark on one that is more compassionate, wise, fulfilling and free!!!!” as her status on Facebook. Now, say what you will. Everyone’s beliefs are different. I for one happen to be a big believer in the fact that things happen for a reason, which is why I believe this was the universe sending me a message. Had I not met her last weekend we wouldn’t have become friends and I never would have read that status which inspired me beyond belief. So thank you Adeeb for introducing us, and thank you Julia for restoring my hope. I’m working my way back to the left side of the screen, people!
Friday, August 13, 2010
No Time Like The Present
There have often been times where I’ve thought, I wish I could do that one more time. Whenever a show I was working on closed I’d wish for one more performance. After a really enjoyable meal I’d wish for one more bite. Whenever a relationship ended I’d wish for one last embrace. And whenever someone I loved passed away I’d wish for one more chance to tell them what they meant to me. I guess it’s about closure. I’m one of those people who need it to move on. But there often is no closure to be found. It is what it is. Life continues to move forward and we have to move with it. There really is no choice. And the longer you spend dwelling on the past the more you miss out on in the present. Not to be preachy, but we never know when things are going to happen, so it’s important to make the most of what we have while we have it. Sometimes things change for the better. But other times it takes a lot to bounce back from the hand we’re dealt. And sometimes afterwards we’re not the same.
I recently lost a good friend of mine. Someone who inspired me from the moment I met her. She was my age, and seeing her in a casket was something I was not prepared to do. She had a long and hard fight, but she always looked for the silver lining. Whenever we would talk or hang out her spirit was happy and strong. Now that she’s gone I can feel that spirit around me.
Walking up to the casket was strange. It was like talking to an old friend while she slept. I greeted her the way I would any other time, but then I went into shock. Were we really here? Was this really happening? I knelt by her a long time, talking and praying. A lot of people told me to look on the bright side, her suffering had ended. But I wasn’t relieved, I was angry. She had fought so hard for so long, why did it have to end this way? Why couldn’t she have won the battle? I told her I would carry her with me. That everything I did from here on out would be for both of us. Then I went to my seat and focused on remembering her the way she was, and not the way she looked then. As time passed my head began to hurt, so I decided it was time to go. I thought about taking one last look before leaving, but then decided that’s not how I wanted to remember her.
After I reached the parking lot I broke down in tears. She had touched so many lives. Seeing all these people that I hadn’t seen since high school was overwhelming. And thinking of the reason that brought us all back together again was even harder. As soon as I got home I wanted to go back. I wanted to hold her, to see her again. But then I remembered the decision I had made and the reason I had made it. Life is never ending. It goes on in one big circle. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and although I struggle to find the purpose in those reasons sometimes, they always manage to teach me a lesson along the way. You can’t go back in time. You can’t have more of something that has ended. You need to be present in the moment and make the most of the time you have. There should be no regrets. Every step you take helps mold the person you’ll become.
Ariana lived life to its fullest, and that’s what I will strive to do from this day forward. Getting older has been a challenge for me because I often worry about all the things I haven’t accomplished yet. But in worrying, all I’m really doing is wasting more time that I could be out there making the most of. We are not promised one more dance, one more laugh, one more smile. It’s sad that she had to go so soon, but she made the most of the time she was given, and it makes me feel wasteful not to do the same. Rest in peace now, Ari. You are an amazing person and you have taught me the greatest lesson there is to learn. I love you. You are with me always.
I recently lost a good friend of mine. Someone who inspired me from the moment I met her. She was my age, and seeing her in a casket was something I was not prepared to do. She had a long and hard fight, but she always looked for the silver lining. Whenever we would talk or hang out her spirit was happy and strong. Now that she’s gone I can feel that spirit around me.
Walking up to the casket was strange. It was like talking to an old friend while she slept. I greeted her the way I would any other time, but then I went into shock. Were we really here? Was this really happening? I knelt by her a long time, talking and praying. A lot of people told me to look on the bright side, her suffering had ended. But I wasn’t relieved, I was angry. She had fought so hard for so long, why did it have to end this way? Why couldn’t she have won the battle? I told her I would carry her with me. That everything I did from here on out would be for both of us. Then I went to my seat and focused on remembering her the way she was, and not the way she looked then. As time passed my head began to hurt, so I decided it was time to go. I thought about taking one last look before leaving, but then decided that’s not how I wanted to remember her.
After I reached the parking lot I broke down in tears. She had touched so many lives. Seeing all these people that I hadn’t seen since high school was overwhelming. And thinking of the reason that brought us all back together again was even harder. As soon as I got home I wanted to go back. I wanted to hold her, to see her again. But then I remembered the decision I had made and the reason I had made it. Life is never ending. It goes on in one big circle. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and although I struggle to find the purpose in those reasons sometimes, they always manage to teach me a lesson along the way. You can’t go back in time. You can’t have more of something that has ended. You need to be present in the moment and make the most of the time you have. There should be no regrets. Every step you take helps mold the person you’ll become.
Ariana lived life to its fullest, and that’s what I will strive to do from this day forward. Getting older has been a challenge for me because I often worry about all the things I haven’t accomplished yet. But in worrying, all I’m really doing is wasting more time that I could be out there making the most of. We are not promised one more dance, one more laugh, one more smile. It’s sad that she had to go so soon, but she made the most of the time she was given, and it makes me feel wasteful not to do the same. Rest in peace now, Ari. You are an amazing person and you have taught me the greatest lesson there is to learn. I love you. You are with me always.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Show Me The Money!
Okay, granted this is not what this blog is about, but since other people find it okay to take to their blog for every little thing, I'm going to take a moment to abuse my power and vent.
Everyone wants something for free!!! Don't get me wrong, I welcome anything gratis, but I don't expect it. I don't pout and complain because I feel like it's owed to me. My favorite part about all this is that most of the people who expect free stuff are people who can afford to pay full cost!!
If you can afford to bring your clients out to a 3 star restaurant for dinner, please don't look for ways to cut corners. Let's be serious, there are more affordable places to dine. Might I suggest Outback?! Also, what's up with pharmaceutical companies sending over all their guidelines about pricing? Really, we cannot allow your guests to choose an appetizer that is more than $10? Um, I know bar menus with more expensive appetizers. And, I'm sorry, when did it become my responsibility to regulate what your guests order? Why don't YOU let them know that you're too cheap to pay for what they'd like to eat at the restaurant YOU brought them to? And, please, are you guys really that hard up for money? I thought drug dealers made bank.
And how about my lovely friends from the UES? You know the ones who roll into the restaurant dripping in Chanel. No, really, ladies, you just need a dab on each wrist and behind the ears. Anyway, they stroll in and drop their big heavy furs on top of you. They can't acknowledge you to say hello, but will certainly give you an earful about not being greeted properly. Then you show them to their table where they sit for hours, because, after all, when you're waiting for death what else is there to do? But when it comes time to regain the dead animal they threw over you earlier, they can't be bothered to look for a dollar. Perhaps it's that they don't carry bills that small? Or perhaps it's that you are too insignificant? Maybe it's just the economy? I mean a dollar is a dollar. Never mind that they just dropped half a grand on dinner. Please, keep your dollar, but also, keep your wretched smelling coat. Coat checking is a service, if you cannot pay for the service, don't have it done.
But it's not just the ladies who are to blame, no, no. All those business men with their ridiculously heavy briefcases are also in the wrong. And I love how they can tell me how heavy it is while handing it to me, "Careful, sweetie, it's heavy," but somehow the fact that I hauled it in and out of the coat check for them doesn't register as reason enough for a tip.
And then there are the people who show up 30-45 minutes early for their reservation and are then confused when you tell them you're not open yet. One guy actually asked me, "So you want me to leave?" Imagine that? I'm running a BUSINESS, because contrary to popular belief that's what a restaurant is, and there are business hours under which we operate. Who knew? Let me ask you, if you went to a museum while it was closed and said you wanted to be let in, do you think it would happen? Probably not. And do you know why? Because it's a BUSINESS!! A business that is in business to make money. Sure we love our guests (most of them anyway) and we are grateful for the patronage that keeps us up and running, but at the end of the day we do what we do for money. It's not out of the goodness of our hearts. If you would like to eat something specific at a specific time, stay home and cook. Don't go to a restaurant if you can't eat the food. Don't ask for something that's not on the menu. Don't make a reservation and then show up whenever the hell you feel like it. DO NOT TIP LESS THAN 15%! These things are not okay. They're not okay! If you want the experience of fine dining then come on out and treat yourself to a wonderful evening of food and wine. Otherwise, wait for Restaurant Week. At least then we know what to expect.
Everyone wants something for free!!! Don't get me wrong, I welcome anything gratis, but I don't expect it. I don't pout and complain because I feel like it's owed to me. My favorite part about all this is that most of the people who expect free stuff are people who can afford to pay full cost!!
If you can afford to bring your clients out to a 3 star restaurant for dinner, please don't look for ways to cut corners. Let's be serious, there are more affordable places to dine. Might I suggest Outback?! Also, what's up with pharmaceutical companies sending over all their guidelines about pricing? Really, we cannot allow your guests to choose an appetizer that is more than $10? Um, I know bar menus with more expensive appetizers. And, I'm sorry, when did it become my responsibility to regulate what your guests order? Why don't YOU let them know that you're too cheap to pay for what they'd like to eat at the restaurant YOU brought them to? And, please, are you guys really that hard up for money? I thought drug dealers made bank.
And how about my lovely friends from the UES? You know the ones who roll into the restaurant dripping in Chanel. No, really, ladies, you just need a dab on each wrist and behind the ears. Anyway, they stroll in and drop their big heavy furs on top of you. They can't acknowledge you to say hello, but will certainly give you an earful about not being greeted properly. Then you show them to their table where they sit for hours, because, after all, when you're waiting for death what else is there to do? But when it comes time to regain the dead animal they threw over you earlier, they can't be bothered to look for a dollar. Perhaps it's that they don't carry bills that small? Or perhaps it's that you are too insignificant? Maybe it's just the economy? I mean a dollar is a dollar. Never mind that they just dropped half a grand on dinner. Please, keep your dollar, but also, keep your wretched smelling coat. Coat checking is a service, if you cannot pay for the service, don't have it done.
But it's not just the ladies who are to blame, no, no. All those business men with their ridiculously heavy briefcases are also in the wrong. And I love how they can tell me how heavy it is while handing it to me, "Careful, sweetie, it's heavy," but somehow the fact that I hauled it in and out of the coat check for them doesn't register as reason enough for a tip.
And then there are the people who show up 30-45 minutes early for their reservation and are then confused when you tell them you're not open yet. One guy actually asked me, "So you want me to leave?" Imagine that? I'm running a BUSINESS, because contrary to popular belief that's what a restaurant is, and there are business hours under which we operate. Who knew? Let me ask you, if you went to a museum while it was closed and said you wanted to be let in, do you think it would happen? Probably not. And do you know why? Because it's a BUSINESS!! A business that is in business to make money. Sure we love our guests (most of them anyway) and we are grateful for the patronage that keeps us up and running, but at the end of the day we do what we do for money. It's not out of the goodness of our hearts. If you would like to eat something specific at a specific time, stay home and cook. Don't go to a restaurant if you can't eat the food. Don't ask for something that's not on the menu. Don't make a reservation and then show up whenever the hell you feel like it. DO NOT TIP LESS THAN 15%! These things are not okay. They're not okay! If you want the experience of fine dining then come on out and treat yourself to a wonderful evening of food and wine. Otherwise, wait for Restaurant Week. At least then we know what to expect.
The Struggle for Control
I've been putting off writing this because a lot of it is hard for me to say. But I guess that's the whole reason behind this blog, to get out some of the things that are hardest for me to say and deal with along this journey.
I've come to the conclusion recently that my main problem with this whole getting older thing isn't the aging process or the misconceptions or judgments that are often made of people after a certain age. No, it's the total and complete lack of control. The world around me keeps changing and expects me to change along with it. Some of these changes are evolutionary and some are just ridiculous, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Granted, this may sound difficult to most of you, but to a control freak like me it's absolutely earth shattering. My body is aging. My energy is draining. It's suddenly no longer cool and independent to be without a boyfriend. No, everyone wants to know when I'm going to find that perfect someone so I can settle down and start working on a family, because that's the normal path in life. And maybe I don't want normal, but it's still expected of me.
Seriously, when the hell did things get so out of control, or so under control that there's really no way around it? I feel like I've been wading out in the sea for years and now this big wave has just come rushing up and swallowed me whole. How do I get back in control of my own life? I've stated in the past that part of the problem is that I don't know what I want, but that's not it. I do know what I want, I just have NO idea how to go about getting it. Most of the time I'm too caught up in the day to dayness of life to have any energy left over to pursue my dreams, or even dream at all.
I need more time. I need to go back to when it was okay to not have a plan because I still had so much growing up to do and my life would change a million times before I settled on who I was and what I wanted. Did your parents ever say that? You would tell them a career choice you had made or a name you had picked out for your future child and they'd say, "Oh, that'll change a million times before then." And they were right. Yes, I just gave parents credit for something, I know, but they were. You did change your mind a million times because there was plenty of time to do so. But at some point it stops being cute and starts becoming a reason for people to feel sorry for you. "Poor thing can't figure out what to do with herself."
Truth is it's been planned out for us all along. From the start of our lives right up until college and that's when it all goes a little wonky. That's when things stop being planned out for us and we're forced to take responsibility for our own lives. So maybe that's it? Maybe it's less that we lose all control and more that we're given complete control. It's like learning to walk all over again. You start out taking baby steps, but sometimes you just want to get to the other side of the room, so you try to go really fast and the next thing you know you're landing on your face. That hurts, and after a number of times might make you scared to try again. I guess that's where I'm at right now. My current situation isn't working out, but I'm scared to try again, so I just keep coasting along. I gotta tell you, it's no way to live.
I've come to the conclusion recently that my main problem with this whole getting older thing isn't the aging process or the misconceptions or judgments that are often made of people after a certain age. No, it's the total and complete lack of control. The world around me keeps changing and expects me to change along with it. Some of these changes are evolutionary and some are just ridiculous, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Granted, this may sound difficult to most of you, but to a control freak like me it's absolutely earth shattering. My body is aging. My energy is draining. It's suddenly no longer cool and independent to be without a boyfriend. No, everyone wants to know when I'm going to find that perfect someone so I can settle down and start working on a family, because that's the normal path in life. And maybe I don't want normal, but it's still expected of me.
Seriously, when the hell did things get so out of control, or so under control that there's really no way around it? I feel like I've been wading out in the sea for years and now this big wave has just come rushing up and swallowed me whole. How do I get back in control of my own life? I've stated in the past that part of the problem is that I don't know what I want, but that's not it. I do know what I want, I just have NO idea how to go about getting it. Most of the time I'm too caught up in the day to dayness of life to have any energy left over to pursue my dreams, or even dream at all.
I need more time. I need to go back to when it was okay to not have a plan because I still had so much growing up to do and my life would change a million times before I settled on who I was and what I wanted. Did your parents ever say that? You would tell them a career choice you had made or a name you had picked out for your future child and they'd say, "Oh, that'll change a million times before then." And they were right. Yes, I just gave parents credit for something, I know, but they were. You did change your mind a million times because there was plenty of time to do so. But at some point it stops being cute and starts becoming a reason for people to feel sorry for you. "Poor thing can't figure out what to do with herself."
Truth is it's been planned out for us all along. From the start of our lives right up until college and that's when it all goes a little wonky. That's when things stop being planned out for us and we're forced to take responsibility for our own lives. So maybe that's it? Maybe it's less that we lose all control and more that we're given complete control. It's like learning to walk all over again. You start out taking baby steps, but sometimes you just want to get to the other side of the room, so you try to go really fast and the next thing you know you're landing on your face. That hurts, and after a number of times might make you scared to try again. I guess that's where I'm at right now. My current situation isn't working out, but I'm scared to try again, so I just keep coasting along. I gotta tell you, it's no way to live.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)